The Week in Review

This week was strangely exhausting. The weather’s been all over the place… From bitterly cold to unseasonably warm in a heartbeat… it was hard waking up this week. I was tired a lot. I mostly ate well, but then had soda & a meatball sandwich today.

Yeah, I’m not a vegetarian when I eat out anymore, and it’s fine if you feel you must unfollow me for that. Maybe another day, I will have more to say, but the TL;DR is that being unbearably sick led to it being pretty unsustainable for me.

I’ve made good & bad lunch choices within this framework. This week was 2 cheese sandwiches, 2 chicken w/veggy things, and the meatball thing. My lunch goal, really, is to watch the dumb moves I make when I stress out & to start packing more lunches.

I’ve always loved my carbs, & have to watch the soda & carbtastic dinner choices.

My weight’s the same, because I haven’t done anything other than going back to work & the movement that entails.

My body shape is still strange to me, the massive weight gain still bothers me. But things like sleep and getting back to living have taken precedence.

 

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Update

It’s been bitterly cold- not great weather for doing much of anything, really, but I’ve been kind of burnt-out on watching movies and browsing the internet, so, I cleaned.

There’s something about being… not shut in, but not particularly interested in braving extreme cold… that made it extra satisfying. Clothes got re-organized, dressers cleared off, drawers were gone through, laundry got laundered… all in all, it was a pretty respectable session.

I’m slowly reverting to my original form. Who am I when I’m not in crisis? I’m finding out. I barely remember, but my body seems to have this physical memory, and suddenly mid-task, I remember how much I enjoyed certain things- girly things, mostly. But those were among the first things to go.

I’ve been thinking about fitness. I stopped going to the gym during the hub-bub of the holidays, and then, brr… no thanks! But, I’m now thinking about it again. I’m also interested in working on my body again.

Girlfriend has been on a regimented diet for the past couple of months, and has lost a lot of weight doing so. She got me some probiotic + energy supplements to try, which I’m doing, but since it’s only been a day, I don’t have too much to say about it.

I’ve used protein powders in the past, and don’t mind going back to that, but my big problem with those is that they constipate me terribly. (*The More You Know*) I looked it up & it turns out this is pretty common. In order to not have it be an issue, I’d have to do yet another thing, (like eat prunes), in addition to the protein… and that’s a whole lot of nevermind, sometimes.

 

Life goes on…

Happy Holidays! I don’t know about you, but I was very busy in the weeks preceding Xmas. “Busy, busy, busy…” So, here’s what’s been up…

The holidays have been great… I just haven’t seen everyone, so I feel like they’re not really over yet. I’ve enjoyed resting.

I’m trying to make the switch to otc for the last med. I realllllly wanted to be med-free sooner rather than later, but this reflux thing is no joke. It’s fine when it’s under control, but it has let me know, in no uncertain terms, that I can only use a certain type of treatment for it.

I’ve mentioned before that I’ve gained a lot of weight. So, what I’ve been doing (aside from holiday-ing) is moving things around so that I can access anything in my current size. I didn’t have much. I’m not usually this big. I ended up needing to go shopping again, and I still need to go shopping… again. Shopping for my lower half is a nightmare. I like looking good, I love feeling better, but it’s just really annoying having to do all this several sizes up from my usual.

But, it is what it is right now. Part of it was/is my diet, which has not been ideal. Part of it is the result of all of this work done that has enabled me to resume life. So, that aspect of it is joyful. I mean, I’m doing it! I’m living! So when I complain, really, it’s just more about the day-to-day aspects of it. All in all, things are looking up, and if I get overwhelmed, I’m only human.

Update

Odie makes Garfield a present

 

I ended up with a lot of leftover yams this Thanksgiving. We were having oven troubles, and by the time we’d had them ready, everyone was full! I ended up making potato wedges with some, and mashed potatoes with the rest. I felt good about putting them to good use, as I really hadn’t wanted to waste anything. Most of the other leftovers are finished, though I do have some carrots that will pair with them. I figure I have at least another week’s worth of potatoes, and that’s fine by me!

I’m actually doing Xmas shopping for the first time in many years. I shopped during that time, but in the “I need to buy this $2.00 item, do I have a coupon to make it any cheaper?” kind of way. Mostly I made crafts from things I already had around. So, anything beyond that seems grand to me right now. Still, I am considering making some crafts this year that went over well last year.

The leftovers were the first in-depth thing I remember doing in a long time. My goal is to do more with that as time goes on- this was a cooking blog once, after all! Even that little bit was satisfying- to smell the savory goodness of the herb and garlic blend still permeating my clothes hours later… Yum! What a joy!

Life marches on…

Thanks and giving

I miss my grandma…

This week was pretty good. I am gearing up for Thanksgiving, so my mind’s mostly been on that. Went food shopping yesterday… the way I described it to Girlfriend was like Vikings with shopping carts.

With the cooler weather, I’ve been more focused on food in general. I got a new cookbook of vegan crockpot ideas. I’m not vegan, but I was looking for something on the healthier side, and this seems to fit the bill. I also got a different healthy cooking book to give as an Xmas gift. Do I need a copy for myself? I haven’t decided yet.

My formerly broken things have been stiff, and it may or may not be the brace that’s causing it. It probably is, but life without the little sock brace thing is not as sure-footed… I have to decide what I’m doing about that. It will be harder to fly without a net, but also probably better in the long run. Getting back to the home-based exercises should help it, too.

I’ve been very busy, making up for lost time, I guess. I’m still working on the logistics of life 😉

It’s probably past time to go clothes shopping again, because I need winter clothes that actually fit. It’s tough to break the piggy bank open after living so modestly for so long, but, you know, the tiny wardrobe thing is starting to wear thin.

I’m trying to save for various goals. It’s all been said before, but Gen Xers and Millenials got screwed. I will be paying for my education until I’m retired. It factors into every decision I make. I did manage to make a donation to an organization that helped me when I was in great need. Although that was not a debt in the traditional sense of the word, it was a debt in my mind, and repaying it felt good.

 

 

Update

I’m starting to speed walk again. Not as sport- as life. That was my default setting. I feel good having that speed back again. I missed it so much and never thought it was coming back.

I’m now going down stairs the right way. Finally. It took so long to get this back. It’s not perfect yet, but pretty darn close. I still wear the sport brace most of the time. Should I be? I don’t know. When I wear it, going down the stairs is much easier. When I don’t, it’s far more difficult. But the difficulty may lie in the stiffness. (Don’t go by me if you’re in this position, but rather, ask your doctor).

In terms of stiffness, I still need to check out my PT to sort of see where I’m at in comparison to where I was.

I’m walking tons but not working out much.

I’m not losing any weight. I tried eating less, but by the end of the week, I was very hungry, and consequently, ate too much & wiped away the progress I’d made.

So, I’ve been beating myself up over that, but I’m wondering if maybe it’s time to just let the weight chill for a while, and instead re-focus on my health, good food, and regaining strength and vitality.

 

Memory

It’s that time again…

 

Last week was not great for me. I skipped the gym altogether and ate terribly. Some weeks are like that. I’ve been stressed. My poor body has been complaining that I’ve been pushing it, and lately I have stiffness.

I still sometimes wonder if the laparoscopic surgery was the right decision. I do question that one because it was a rushed decision, and normally I take my time and am very thoughtful about my choices. But, when something shows up, and they don’t know what it is… it’s a frightening prospect.

It turned out to be non-life-threating (in that moment), but we could not have known that until afterwards. Still, it did not relieve the constipation or the pain, and caused problems for me just trying to live my life. I ended up basically getting fired over it. Other than losing my income, I then had to deal with recovery, and by then, most of my friends and family were well into caregiver the burnout phase.

What I suspect happened was something the medical professionals did prior. Yes, common practice is to yank out drain tubes. But, did anyone stop to consider the endo all over the place in there? That’s what I think happened- something got torn- whether it was endo or not. It’s not something I intend to pursue, but every one in a while, it reminds me of what I was doing last year at this time.

I’ve been taking measures to just get back into life, and with that comes, naturally, exposure to more people with their own agendas and whatnot. On a good day, I roll my eyes, but on a bad one, I cry at night over things I can’t control.

On these days of exasperation, I try to get back to the simple things in life, and it helps.

 

Sharing is Caring

Why have I filed this under multiple categories? Because it permeates every thing we do, everything we have done. Most women have experienced it. These are US statistics. It’s more than just the entertainment industry. 

#Metoo gives voice to survivors. Time or money towards women’s organizations also helps. There is no right way- only your own way through it. Take care of you. I focus on women because I am a woman.

A Special Day

I woke up early to answer the call of nature, but even that was when I’m usually up & out the door already. It was nice. Then, I dragged my butt over to the clothes lain askew on the floor in exhaustion, dropped them into the basket, and started up the laundry. I have to wait for them to dry & hang them so nothing wrinkles… and then, hopefully, I’m off to girlfriend’s place.

We still live far too far from each other for my taste, but she’s not going anywhere anytime soon, and I can’t right now, so we make do as best we can. I’ve mentioned before that she handles it better than I do. It is one of several items on a very long wish list- if things were better. Will I live to see that day? Sometimes, it just seems so impossible.

My health improves not in strides these days but in small increments, and sometimes, depending on what I’m doing, it’s becoming less noticeable. Sometimes I get frustrated, and Girlfriend brings me back to center.

Despite my distaste for poking my head up above my own atmosphere, I can’t help but notice that once again things are looking bad for ladylovin ladies. It is stressful. I was on the tail end of people who saw every day what it felt like to be marginalized based on your heart. Girlfriend fully lived through it. I felt marginalized in multiple ways in the past- like important people didn’t case whether I lived or died. It is… not something I have words for, to feel the stirrings of that once again.

I’ve felt marginalized in smaller ways, which don’t warrant being thrown in with the rest of it, and some of which, I’ve addressed already. But there’s more, there always is- this feeling of being othered on top of being othered- that I now can’t have children, at least with this body, and do I even want to? My closest friends are all married with kids. And it never really got to me before. And through a strange alchemy of circumstances, the difference finally hit me. And it was painful. And not really anyone’s fault. Just something for my own psyche to ponder.

*I was going to use an image of Cheer Bear for this post. The original Cheer Bear had a proper rainbow on its stomach. The newer drawings stop at green. Weird.