Stuff and Nonsense

1

It’s Week 17 since the surgery, and a few weeks out from the surprise stay. I’ve been trying to think of inspirational and/or funny posts, but the truth is, I’m not always all that inspired or funny.

Things are going fine in the grand scheme of things. I’ve been able to eat things I really shouldn’t be eating. I’ve been drinking soda again since about a month after the surgery. I’m not proud of this, but there are far worse habits out there. My plan is to get back on the water train, but I will finish what’s already around first.

I’ve been able to do a little somethin’-somethin’ with my beauty regimen. I no longer have to stick to unscented, un-anything types of products. So, since the incision healed, I’ve been using a lavender body wash/shampoo combo, which has been appropriate for the chill mood I’ve been trying to work.

Truth be told, I’ve been getting some flack for not getting my act together faster, and it’s affected my mood. Some people get motivated by that sort of criticism. I don’t. Especially when I was just starting to get back on my feet and feel good again. This isn’t a rant blog, but this has been a part of my life since I wrote last, and if you want the facts, I feel like I must include it. I’m sure everyone has their own versions of this on the road to surgery recovery- that well-meaning friend or relative who thinks you can leap large buildings in a single bound, while you would just be happy to walk to one.

I kayaked with Girlfriend, which confused everyone but her. I should say: “She helped me into the boat, pushed me off, then pulled me back in when I was finished”, but that takes too long. She also found delightful little spots for us to take breaks and sat there and played floaty with her boat so I’d stop and rest. So, um, technically, I kayaked, but mostly I took pictures of nature and put my feet and hands in the water.

I actually did walk around with a sports bra and shorts while we were at the cabin. She’d gotten me these scar patch things that I used to protect my scars from the sun. But, while we were out boating, I felt a little too shy and a little too worried about exposing them like that. It just felt better to have a bathing suit on over them.

The scar itself is still huge, long, and purple. I don’t think I have average feelings about it, compared to what I see elsewhere. Mostly, I feel proud that I survived. I never had the courage to get a tattoo, and this is kind of like one. Though, at the same time, I also hope it fades. It will take at least a year before I will know for sure. I am lucky that Girlfriend is not squeamish- she has seen the scar since I started taking pictures of it, and heard me talking about it since Day 1. So, I don’t feel like I have to hide it from her, which is very nice. I can’t imagine what those feelings must be like, on top of actually experiencing surgery.

…Just a little of this and that.

Advertisements

Warrior Princess/Laundress/Cook

I’ve been trying to re-acclimate as best I can. I’m not fully cleared yet, but at least, I can do a few things now.

Laundry: happened this week mostly unassisted. It’s comical at this stage- it is taking me at least 5x as long, but whatever, it’s good exercise. I cannot carry the basket. I also cannot carry anything that weighs more than a milk jug. This means I’m doing it in relatively small armfuls, and I’m only doing about a load a day at this point. Small steps…

Vanity: All along, I’ve told both myself and others that I really didn’t care too much about what it looked like afterwards, I really just wanted to be healthy. Well, I lied. It turns out I care. I’m cleared for Neosporin, so I’m using that. But, no, a bikini isn’t happening this season for both health and vanity reasons. (Scars sunburn easily- I didn’t know that. It’s too soon to expose it like that, if I’m striving for optimum healing).

Weight/Body Shape:  I don’t know what made me think that my body shape would change. I guess it was the fact that I had extra stuff in there that wasn’t supposed to be there. I also thought I’d lose a substantial amount of weight. I did. Then, I went right back to my original weight once I was able to eat properly.

Walking/Movement: Not great/not awful. I mostly look normal until I start pushing too hard. Then, it’s off to the nearest chair.

Pain: My pain was not so bad this week. I’m mostly off of the pain pills now, but every once in a while, I need them. It’s mostly the abdomen that’s sore, although sneezing and yawning will bring out pain elsewhere, too.

I should probably state the obvious here, just for those reading this and wondering how their surgery will go: Please remember, everyone is different. My doctor basically thinks I’m a Warrior Princess for handling as much pain as I have been. Moral of the story: what is low-level pain to me could be agony to you.

Cooking: I baked a box cake. It kicked my booty. I haven’t cooked a meal yet, but I might try this week.

Eating: I’ve really been very lucky all long, but the coffee I made this morning has been refluxing all day. All in all, I really can’t complain, though.

I guess, in summation, things are looking up, it’s just the invisible stuff that has been getting me. You don’t really know how much makes you tired until the day you overdo it.

 

Alternative Lifestyle

1

I can’t even imagine how my life is going to change without me needing gigantic purses.

I am a purse-wearing person. Even if I wasn’t, I really had no choice but to be. It would’ve been either that, or me carrying around a rather large tote bag or something.

When it came time for a real purse, rather than one to play with, I had no choice but to go giant. So, part of my personal style had always been to have a large purse. I admired the 5″x7″ ish styles, with their sleek design and crossbody straps, but I could never manage to fit all of my products, the associated cramp pills, allergy medicine, and whatever else a girl might find handy into them. It just did not work. And now…

I spent today temporarily putting away my “carpet bags”, and pulled out a few smaller options. Occasionally, I would be gifted these adorable little bags, which I had limited use for. Sometimes, I could re-purpose them to hold needed items within my purses. Now that I can see at least the hope of a light beyond the tunnel, I have them out as my reward. Once things calm down, I am looking forward to having a cute purse to hold less stuff. I can’t even imagine what it will be like not to have ~10lbs of weight burdening my shoulders. The freedom is both practical and metaphoric.

 

Finding my groove again

That thing where you wake up energized and wanting to workout, but then realize you should probably try for making the bed first.

I’m on Week 7 post-surgery, for anyone who’s counting. This means I can’t actually “workout” per se, but I can do a few things around the house now. This is good, because stuff is accumulating.

I started with wiping off the craft table that’s been doubling as an eating surface. At the moment, I have snacks squished in between the arts and crafts. As far as actual crafting goes, I’ve really been taking it in bite-sized sittings. Any more than that, and I tire out.

I did make the bed solo, and I’m out of breath… so, there’s that.

I made a couple of things on the indoor grill- a hot dog and a grilled cheese sandwich, but it’s a start. The grill and its plates are still a little heavier than I’d like.

I keep thinking about yoga, which I guess is a good thing. I am trying to stretch my arms and legs without bothering my abdomen too much. So, ok, that’s not technically yoga, but it’s something. Actual yoga won’t be ok for a while, and even then, I still have to be nice to my stomach.

I would like to bike ride eventually. Think Kermit rather than Lance. Even to just sit upright and twiddle around would be great. I don’t know how my endurance will change, or if it even will, but I’d like to try.

Kayak season is here. I still have to check with the Dr. to see when it would be ok to try, but because it can get strenuous, I have to play it safe. This is so tough because kayaking is my ultimate summer activity. I usually take pictures while I’m out, so at least that can happen, as long as I don’t overdo the walking.

Medically, I still have another procedure. Whether or not this is a big deal will be figured out on the spot. I’m hoping everything’s fine. It has me a little spooked. I’ve been feeling pretty good, but it will mean being sore all over again… but I will hopefully be healthy, which is so much more important.

🙂

Surgery & Mother’s Day

1

Would I like this or hate this? Will I ever know?

I officially can no longer bear children. Unofficially, it must’ve been longer, but the difference is, I didn’t know it.

So, what’s worse, going to what would’ve been considerable lengths to try to get pregnant, only to find out that I physically could not, or finding out after not having had the ability to try?

You see, I haven’t had the means to raise a child. There is also no sperm in my love life. Between the two, I’d filed away having a kid as something I’d like to do later, once I could afford to. Make no mistake, if there’s no sperm in your equation, just having a kid is expensive, never mind actually carrying the child to term and then raising it.

…Something which I will never do. Something I am still slowly untangling in my mind.

My insides were so ridiculously messed up beyond repair that they couldn’t even go in laparoscopically. Obviously, under such conditions, there was nothing that I could even think about saving.

I am grateful to be alive and doing very well, considering. But, having a baby with any of my parts is not my reality. My girlfriend’s parts can’t have one, either, and although she jokes about me finding the human equivalent of a race car and “trading her in”, the truth is, I’ve gotten quite attached. Truthfully, though, she doesn’t want a child, but would have supported and loved any child I would’ve bore.

So how do you mourn the loss of something that never was? I have many mixed feelings, and I know that adoption could be a route once I turn things around for myself. It’s not the same, but I console myself with the reality that at least for now, I can and need to focus on myself.

Much love 🙂