The Week in Review

This week was strangely exhausting. The weather’s been all over the place… From bitterly cold to unseasonably warm in a heartbeat… it was hard waking up this week. I was tired a lot. I mostly ate well, but then had soda & a meatball sandwich today.

Yeah, I’m not a vegetarian when I eat out anymore, and it’s fine if you feel you must unfollow me for that. Maybe another day, I will have more to say, but the TL;DR is that being unbearably sick led to it being pretty unsustainable for me.

I’ve made good & bad lunch choices within this framework. This week was 2 cheese sandwiches, 2 chicken w/veggy things, and the meatball thing. My lunch goal, really, is to watch the dumb moves I make when I stress out & to start packing more lunches.

I’ve always loved my carbs, & have to watch the soda & carbtastic dinner choices.

My weight’s the same, because I haven’t done anything other than going back to work & the movement that entails.

My body shape is still strange to me, the massive weight gain still bothers me. But things like sleep and getting back to living have taken precedence.

 

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Life goes on…

Happy Holidays! I don’t know about you, but I was very busy in the weeks preceding Xmas. “Busy, busy, busy…” So, here’s what’s been up…

The holidays have been great… I just haven’t seen everyone, so I feel like they’re not really over yet. I’ve enjoyed resting.

I’m trying to make the switch to otc for the last med. I realllllly wanted to be med-free sooner rather than later, but this reflux thing is no joke. It’s fine when it’s under control, but it has let me know, in no uncertain terms, that I can only use a certain type of treatment for it.

I’ve mentioned before that I’ve gained a lot of weight. So, what I’ve been doing (aside from holiday-ing) is moving things around so that I can access anything in my current size. I didn’t have much. I’m not usually this big. I ended up needing to go shopping again, and I still need to go shopping… again. Shopping for my lower half is a nightmare. I like looking good, I love feeling better, but it’s just really annoying having to do all this several sizes up from my usual.

But, it is what it is right now. Part of it was/is my diet, which has not been ideal. Part of it is the result of all of this work done that has enabled me to resume life. So, that aspect of it is joyful. I mean, I’m doing it! I’m living! So when I complain, really, it’s just more about the day-to-day aspects of it. All in all, things are looking up, and if I get overwhelmed, I’m only human.

Update

Odie makes Garfield a present

 

I ended up with a lot of leftover yams this Thanksgiving. We were having oven troubles, and by the time we’d had them ready, everyone was full! I ended up making potato wedges with some, and mashed potatoes with the rest. I felt good about putting them to good use, as I really hadn’t wanted to waste anything. Most of the other leftovers are finished, though I do have some carrots that will pair with them. I figure I have at least another week’s worth of potatoes, and that’s fine by me!

I’m actually doing Xmas shopping for the first time in many years. I shopped during that time, but in the “I need to buy this $2.00 item, do I have a coupon to make it any cheaper?” kind of way. Mostly I made crafts from things I already had around. So, anything beyond that seems grand to me right now. Still, I am considering making some crafts this year that went over well last year.

The leftovers were the first in-depth thing I remember doing in a long time. My goal is to do more with that as time goes on- this was a cooking blog once, after all! Even that little bit was satisfying- to smell the savory goodness of the herb and garlic blend still permeating my clothes hours later… Yum! What a joy!

Life marches on…

Because it’s been ages since I’ve done one of these…

These types of survey-things used to be all over the internet. They used to make the rounds even so late as the early stages of this blog. I found this one on a blog, who found it on a friend’s blog, who…

So, sure, why not? I’m gonna party like it’s 2012 and fill one of these babies out!

“So, what am I doing these days?”

Making: Money, I guess? Not much, but it’s appreciated.

Cooking: Not a whole heck of a lot these days. Mostly I’ve been heating things up in the microwave.

Drinking: Too much soda, some coffee, and the occasional beer.

Wanting: More for myself than seems possible at the moment.

Reading: Articles and a book on money management.

Playing: Nintendo now and then

Deciding: Too many things

Wishing: For a better life

Enjoying: Doing nothing this weekend

Waiting: Always

Wondering: About my future

Loving: Fuzzy socks

Pondering: My future

Buying: The occasional coffee or lunch. I’ve been pretty miserly lately.

Watching: A movie I got on sale at the store the other day, so I guess that counts.

Hoping: Indeed, I am…

Marveling: At the beautiful morning sky.

Cringing: When bad things happen.

Needing: To start my life back up again.

Questioning: Why I chose to fill out such a long survey.

Smelling: There is a terrible smell in another room that I can’t identify or find the source of, and it’s driving me crazy. But at the moment, I’m tired of trying to figure it out.

Wearing: My pjs because it’s the weekend and I don’t have to try to figure out clothing- yay! 🙂

Following: Several blogs on here for entertainment mostly

Knowing: So much seems uncertain right now.

Thinking: I’m always thinking about something. Also, yes, that I liked reading this way more than I’m liking working on it.

Admiring: My Fall decorations.

Sorting: I was sorting my socks a few minutes ago.

Getting: Bored with this, to be honest.

Bookmarking: Nothing of particular interest.

Coveting: I deeply covet some people’s ability to live without struggle

Disliking: Idk

Opening: I just opened a bandaid wrapper to get the bandaid out.

Giggling: I still burst into giggles far out of reach of jokes/stories I’m told, as an after-effect of having been cooped up so long. People have looked at me and even said, “It’s not that funny.”

Feeling: Mostly, I’m fine, but I still occasionally feel out of sorts. Unless you’ve been there, it’s hard to understand what I’m feeling right now, and sometimes I still have the occasional moment of not adjusting just so.

Snacking: Yes, I’m snacking. I’d like to say I’m not, but every once in a while, I will grab the occasional donut.

Hearing: Nothing really at the moment.

An update, more or less

Money is on my mind a lot lately. I don’t really have much of it, but for the past few months- since I’ve been “better”, I’ve been looking into what the rest of the world does.

I say this only half-joking, because, honestly, parts of my life have been so absurd that I actually do need to research normalcy sometimes to calibrate my expectations. Case in point- how much you make compared to how much you actually get.

I’m no expert, and it does not come naturally to me, so I’m basically studying it like I would any other subject, in controlled bites that I choose myself. I feel like I’m gaining an understanding, which is nice. I will never be that girl for whom this is all intuitive, but I’m a decent learner.

 

A Special Day

I woke up early to answer the call of nature, but even that was when I’m usually up & out the door already. It was nice. Then, I dragged my butt over to the clothes lain askew on the floor in exhaustion, dropped them into the basket, and started up the laundry. I have to wait for them to dry & hang them so nothing wrinkles… and then, hopefully, I’m off to girlfriend’s place.

We still live far too far from each other for my taste, but she’s not going anywhere anytime soon, and I can’t right now, so we make do as best we can. I’ve mentioned before that she handles it better than I do. It is one of several items on a very long wish list- if things were better. Will I live to see that day? Sometimes, it just seems so impossible.

My health improves not in strides these days but in small increments, and sometimes, depending on what I’m doing, it’s becoming less noticeable. Sometimes I get frustrated, and Girlfriend brings me back to center.

Despite my distaste for poking my head up above my own atmosphere, I can’t help but notice that once again things are looking bad for ladylovin ladies. It is stressful. I was on the tail end of people who saw every day what it felt like to be marginalized based on your heart. Girlfriend fully lived through it. I felt marginalized in multiple ways in the past- like important people didn’t case whether I lived or died. It is… not something I have words for, to feel the stirrings of that once again.

I’ve felt marginalized in smaller ways, which don’t warrant being thrown in with the rest of it, and some of which, I’ve addressed already. But there’s more, there always is- this feeling of being othered on top of being othered- that I now can’t have children, at least with this body, and do I even want to? My closest friends are all married with kids. And it never really got to me before. And through a strange alchemy of circumstances, the difference finally hit me. And it was painful. And not really anyone’s fault. Just something for my own psyche to ponder.

*I was going to use an image of Cheer Bear for this post. The original Cheer Bear had a proper rainbow on its stomach. The newer drawings stop at green. Weird.

Update

Yeah, I barely worked out this week. I went to one yoga class, which was a total bust. There’s nothing that can de-motivate a person like attending a class that’s supposed to be low-level, only to have the instructors be pushing it much harder than advertised. I can barely walk sometimes. I just want to get my stretch on. So, I don’t know about group exercise so far. Right now, it’s not working for me.

I also angered my injury the other day in a not-good way, and have been in pain ever since. I can feel it’s just angry- it’s not epically re-injured or anything… but yeah. And yes, I know to take it easy… was just in one of those can’t-win situations and whoop, there it is…

I’ve been re-watching GLOW and honestly, at this point, I’m pretty deep into it. I hope next season is just as good. There’s really nothing like it.

Despite being in pain, I am wavering on whether or not I want to go out today to get a few things done. Resting may win out.

I saw an old-ish interview with zelda williams, and man, she is a badass. She sounds like a person who has her shit together.

Oh, I’ve also watched interviews with many of the GLOW actresses, and the ones I saw seemed really intelligent. Though, there was this one interview I didn’t like as much because the interviewers took it in a kind of vapid direction.

I am not ready for fall. No, no, I don’t wanna, in the style of lego batman. I woke up from a sound sleep shivering. Not. Ready.

I bought some terrible coffee grounds the other day. So awful. I actually checked to see if they’d take them back. They did. Thanks, nice coffee-purveyors!

Hoping to be able to move in a few months or so, but even thinking about it is very stressful. I’ve been researching that and Other Things I Would Do If I Had Money. Even in the hypothetical, it’s kind of more stressful than fun to me. Why are cellphones so damn expensive? Why do they make them to only last a few years, when we are still basically in a recession? Blah. I mean, I’m not naive, I know these people aren’t in the business of charity… but it would look nice for their public images to have something accessible. Then again, they haven’t asked me…

Why do people not write you back when you ask them shit? Whatever. Just makes me not buy your thing. (In this case it was an apartment- which I’m not ready for yet, (just researching), but I was still put-off by people just ignoring my emails!). Oh look, I could’ve used the right kind of brackets. Oh well.

I’ve been getting coffee out now and then, which Girlfriend has given me shit for. In her defense, and if she’s reading this (she doesn’t usually), I do know she means well. But it just didn’t sit right. I mean, I’ve been so broke for so long… Coffee is a small treat.

I might make some waffles this morning. I still have some leftover mixes from that time I temped at a kitchen store. It’s so crazy for me to think of that now, compared to what I’m striving for. But, stuff like that keeps you humble and helped me a little with bills for as long as it lasted. May as well see if the mix is still good.

____

Later…

Well, I’m out of that mix, but I found blueberry flapjack mix. I worked on teaching myself the whole pancake/flapjack making thing. The first one was lost to the pancake gods, the others were different experiments, but all good. Mostly, I’m just trying to find the right balance of heat.

Now, I have to decide if I want to get some pumpkin spice flavored waffle mix or not.

 

 

Update

I don’t even know where to start…

I joined a gym.

I took a little vacation with Girlfriend.

____________________________________

Put all of this together, and yes, I wholly over-estimated my abilities. Pain is a thing… nearly all of the time. Just from existing, before I even get to the gym.

When I go to the gym, I am kind to myself. It’s actually a re-charge from the physical toughness of the day.

Don’t get me wrong, I am in love with it. It is just very, very hard, and if I didn’t like just being part of the world again so much, I would not be putting myself through this.

I go home and my body is swollen, and I sleep with parts propped up on pillows, sometimes my whole body, sometimes I sleep nearly seated- like I was in the hospital bed. I take NSAIDs according to their directions. I am kind to myself. But yes, it hurts.

GF says that it will get easier with time. I want to believe her. I kind of need to, for my own piece of mind.

But I am good inside. I feel happy. I feel alive again. It’s been a long time…

 

Give Me Strength.

We have a right to be angry…

Stressor continues to greet me as though I am the largest piece of shit in the world. It makes it difficult to keep a solid day of believing in myself. I can’t avoid this person (well, any more than I have been), so mostly I’m just venting here for venting’s sake, and maybe a little reassurance.

An old friend of mine wrote to ask my opinion on something. On the one hand, it was overwhelming- because she was asking for a considered opinion, not a one-word answer. On the other, it was validating that she sees me as someone whose opinions are sought after.

The job hunt has not been going well in terms of seeing fruit for my labor. I have been vigilant and thorough in presenting myself in my best possible light, but so far, nothing. As we discussed in my last blog, I needed to step away and maybe find some balance. It. Is. Not. Easy. I’ll tell you that much. With me stressing myself out, bystanders asking how things are going, and Stressor breathing down my neck…

So, I have taken some time to do some “me stuff”. I got a haircut, teeth cleaned, etc. I spent today cleaning set-in stains off of my pillow and mattress cover- stains that happened during the medical stuff, and that really just bummed me out colossally thereafter.

I also did some cleaning up in the craft room. Again, I found some stuff from Xmas. I’m not really surprised. Things were much harder than… I went back and read my posts from the last two years. It shocked me. And validated me.

Girlfriend has been lovely, but she also wants me to be able to stand on my own two feet. At least she’s usually kinder about it though.

I also trimmed and polished my toenails, and I’m loving them. I did my fingernails, too, but the polish has since worn off.

My ankle continues to improve, but I keep tripping up on various things, which has made recovery from the break harder.

Holiday Wrap-Up

Preparing for the holidays this year felt a little like this: 1

“Making Christmas”, from The Nightmare Before Christmas

Although I love handmade and low-cost/no-cost gifts, I usually don’t make gifts for the holidays. I’d rather surprise people than rely on my creativity to come through for me in precisely the way I expect, at precisely the right time, in order to deliver a Martha-esque experience to my loved ones.

But, this year was especially tight on the budget. While I am hopeful things improve, it was challenging for me to create something out of nothing this year. If it weren’t for my friends and family, I wouldn’t have been able to do much of anything.

So, I decided to make cookies, which I make fairly often and with good results, thereby eliminating any pressure. Here is the classic recipe, if you don’t already have it.

1

Phoebe from Friends, citing a “family recipe” for cookies.

 

My health was also wackypants this holiday season. For most of it, I felt like this line from the film, Frida:

“I feel like a rich girl with a new suitor every week. Except all of my suitors have turned into doctors.”

Of course, that was a little melodramatic of me, but it is what it is. I felt such complex feelings about dealing with my health at Xmas. On the one hand, I had the holidays to distract me from life’s more unpleasant hurdles. On the other, to be honest, it was hard getting into the holiday spirit at times.

I couldn’t really cook much. I didn’t want to write about what I was feeling. I tried to savor the moments of joy when they came, and in that respect, I think I was successful. I’d be lying if I said this was the best Xmas ever, but there were some truly joyous moments that really helped me get through the tough stuff.

New Year’s brought a welcome respite, with some quiet time shared with the one I love, and that felt exactly right. I hope you and yours found similar moments of perfection.

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Happy New Year! 🙂