Update

I’m starting to speed walk again. Not as sport- as life. That was my default setting. I feel good having that speed back again. I missed it so much and never thought it was coming back.

I’m now going down stairs the right way. Finally. It took so long to get this back. It’s not perfect yet, but pretty darn close. I still wear the sport brace most of the time. Should I be? I don’t know. When I wear it, going down the stairs is much easier. When I don’t, it’s far more difficult. But the difficulty may lie in the stiffness. (Don’t go by me if you’re in this position, but rather, ask your doctor).

In terms of stiffness, I still need to check out my PT to sort of see where I’m at in comparison to where I was.

I’m walking tons but not working out much.

I’m not losing any weight. I tried eating less, but by the end of the week, I was very hungry, and consequently, ate too much & wiped away the progress I’d made.

So, I’ve been beating myself up over that, but I’m wondering if maybe it’s time to just let the weight chill for a while, and instead re-focus on my health, good food, and regaining strength and vitality.

 

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Embracing Imperfection

Today I went shopping for clothes. I haven’t been clothes shopping in, um 5 years, maybe? I don’t even know. The last time I went shopping, I was a different size. I am not happy about the weight gain, but clothes must be worn, so clothes had to be purchased.

Long ago, I read an article that addressed this problem. It said, basically, don’t dishonor yourself by either wearing stuff that’s way too small, or buy clothes that you don’t like because you are mad you gained weight. Just be with it, in the moment.

My personal opinion is that there is always someone who can use them. Whether it’s a relative, a close friend, or a stranger, there will always be someone else you can help out by passing them on when you’re done. So yeah, basically, just buy the damn clothes, assuming you have the means to do so.

But, that’s not entirely my point…

Imperfection.

I’ve mentioned before that it’s not one one of my strengths. My family still expects a lot from me, despite my having been through hell. And I know that I can be hard on myself, too. Nature? nurture?- probably a little of both, I guess. Just know that it’s a struggle.

Before all the craziness, I would occasionally deposit myself into a mall or some such and get clothes when needed. It was something I always enjoyed doing, but obviously, was the first thing to go.

The thing is, I used to just sort of wander around… meander and really take in the whole experience for what it’s worth. This time, yes, of course, naturally, I was grateful- both to be physically and financially able to enjoy such a luxury. It’s not lost on me. It was just…harder. And, this frustrates me. I try to rejoin the land of the living, and I’m still struggling very much with simply walking. It hurts the pride while simultaneously making you proud that you are doing it.

So… imperfection. I’m trying, I really am…

Update

I developed a UTI because of course I did /sarcasm/… I’ve been in touch w/the doctor & will go have it checked out. Usually, I can just take stuff & it goes away, but this one is particularly nasty.

Through some strange work of the world, I am travelling the same digs as my (long-ago) ex-girlfriend, and it’s super weird. Thankfully, we never travelled those digs together, but her shadow looms large. She was so different when we went out… now I see who she projects to the world and it just makes me angry in that “good for your success, but you didn’t have to step over me to get there…” way. It was a long time ago, I should just release that, but I’m only human.

Speaking of being human, my body was not really on-board with much this week. I skipped the gym most of the week. I went to a yoga class, which honestly kinda sucked, but I was trying to give it my all. It turned out I liked the fill-in teacher better. This one was acting like I was slowing down the class & was trying to redirect me to other classes. Such a pain because I’ve actually studied Hatha pretty extensively, so if I’m doing a modification, it’s bleeping intentional, lady! Yeah, yoga’s not supposed to make you angry, so there’s that…

…and because of the UTI and just feeling super run-down and awful, I skipped the do-it-yourself PT and the strength training. I might go over the weekend if I feel better. Haven’t decided yet.

More or less, my mind races at full speed while my body goes at its own slow pace. Sometimes I look like I’m mad at the world, but really, I’m just in pain so much of the time, it’s not great.

Inside, though, most of the time, I’m content, even happy.I just think maybe I tried to take on too much too soon, but for now, I’m just trying to get through it. Maybe I’ll feel better about things once I’m physically feeling better.

 

 

Update

I don’t even know where to start…

I joined a gym.

I took a little vacation with Girlfriend.

____________________________________

Put all of this together, and yes, I wholly over-estimated my abilities. Pain is a thing… nearly all of the time. Just from existing, before I even get to the gym.

When I go to the gym, I am kind to myself. It’s actually a re-charge from the physical toughness of the day.

Don’t get me wrong, I am in love with it. It is just very, very hard, and if I didn’t like just being part of the world again so much, I would not be putting myself through this.

I go home and my body is swollen, and I sleep with parts propped up on pillows, sometimes my whole body, sometimes I sleep nearly seated- like I was in the hospital bed. I take NSAIDs according to their directions. I am kind to myself. But yes, it hurts.

GF says that it will get easier with time. I want to believe her. I kind of need to, for my own piece of mind.

But I am good inside. I feel happy. I feel alive again. It’s been a long time…

 

Update

 

I tripped over 3 things in the past 2 weeks, and consequently, did not keep up with my PT. Was it justified? I don’t know. I know the first time, it was pretty bad, and I felt like it really needed to rest. The other two were just precautionary, and then I think I got lazy. It happens.

My mental state isn’t that great right now. I’m bummed because Stressor is stressing me out, and because I got a few rejections in my Inbox. Nothing says lovin’ like, “You’re awesome, but pass.” Granted, no one said exactly that… but still…

I am dieting… Am I dieting? I don’t know. All I know is that I decided to document my calorie intake, and after only two days of doing this, I’m already trying to lower it. I am also trying to break my newly-acquired soda habit. I had one today instead of two. I also had a sandwich with it, and that nearly doubled my calorie intake for the day, but I had to do something, I was feeling so blah.

Am I depressed? I don’t think so. It’s more like external pressures are pressuring me, and I’m just trying to stay afloat.

More about PT, I guess.

I’ve written about PT here and there. TL;DR- I’m a fan. Sure it exhausts you, makes you sore, puts you to sleep afterwards… but, I feel it’s worth it. I just feel like, “I need this ankle for the rest of my life, therefore, it is worth putting the time in.”

Anyway, I just looked at my old regimen from the ankle-fixing shop. It is astounding to me how far I’ve come. Those exercises were done either in bed or in a wheelchair. I look at them now, and some of them seem absurd to me. ” ‘Lift your leg and hold it while you are seated.’- Are you joking? ” It’s a stark reminder of what it was like.

I apologize if it sounds like I’m bragging or talking about something everybody knows about. It’s just- this is the first time I’ve broken a bone, and it’s all so new. Nobody ever tells you these things. It was all strange to me, and the experience profoundly affected me.

 

 

 

Update

So, the boot is history. I need to clean it up before I put it away.

The rolling cart will go to someone in need, who has already asked for it. I love my cart and was planning to keep it, but honestly…

I can do things now to tolerance. Mostly, I’m just trying to walk properly and not get too tired.

PT got cut short. Shame bc I do my workouts. I try my hardest, even when I’m worn out and sore. But, they said they’d give me some things I can do at home, and that’s almost as good, I guess.

All but one of the marigolds look ok to me. I don’t really want to buy just one marigold. Especially since I paid for 4. Shame on me for going somewhere with a no-return policy.

Baby Steps

So, here we are. …Not quite at a month yet, just a couple of weeks. I’m doing ok. Returning to normalcy is what it is.

I face rejection of my inner self- the unicorn part of me- the creative part of me- most of who I am. It is hard.

I am working on finding something good that will improve my situation.

I am also working on my ankle, and I wobble much like this little cygnet at the moment.

I got one cherry tomato plant this year- a type I haven’t tried before. It is pretty. I hope it does well. I did not want to do my former 4 because it cost too much and I didn’t have enough gardening supplies. I had one bag of soil left, so I chose one plant.

I used up two of my three gift cards, so I’m running low on the ability to buy an iced coffee or some such when out. This is important because I’ve been having stomach issues lately, and the (obviously non-alcoholic) drinks help.

I miss speaking to the nice people at the old pt, but have avoided it because I’m trying to move on. Mixed feelings.

I’ve been doing what I can to clean ancient messes. I’ve been doing it in spurts. I’m feeling better now, and that helps.

 

Plan for the day you are hit by a bus

I’m gonna getcha getcha getcha

 

In the US workforce, there’s an expression, “Plan for the day you are hit by a bus.” It means that a smart employer, and an understanding employee would know better than to make one person “indispensable”. I use quotes because none of us are indispensable. The best we can hope for is to make ourselves valuable.

So, that day when you are hit by the metaphorical bus, what happens? You are busy performing triage on the situation, meanwhile, life continues on….

All of the sudden, it is May. I was in the nursing home/rehab/I mostly called it hospital when writing about it… almost exactly TWO MONTHS. Right now, I feel as if I would no longer choose inpatient rehab. Yes, there should be a dash in that word, but the way I have it is much more appropriate.

I was treated in what is basically an old folks home. I am not that old of a folk. But, I’ve mentioned before, our healthcare works in mysterious ways. I don’t think I would make the same decision now, but understand, I was asked the question while heavily medicated post-surgery and in a hospital bed, and I did not want to burden my family.

But, on to the present… I have bills near due and possibly past due, my favorite plant is nearly gone, my rice milk sat in the fridge since March…. I’m just really overwhelmed. I decided to stop all my meds bc I am tired of it, but I am wondering if I should go back on one. But, the thing is, it is normal and natural to feel overwhelmed in a situation like this, yes? So, I don’t know.

When we last left my life, I was trying to find a job. The only interesting thing that happened on this front was that I filled out a questionnaire… I had to borrow an outdated machine to do it, but of course, I was grateful. I haven’t heard anything since then, so onward.

I am supposed to start outpatient PT in a couple of weeks. Right now, in this moment, I don’t feel like going. I am sick of Drs and hospitals and everything having to do with them.

My life in the old folks home consisted of me going to music classes to prepare for the yearly talent show. I also did arts and crafts. That part of life was sweet. I made friends and influenced no one. People said such wonderful things to me when I was leaving- that I was beautiful and kind hearted and that they will miss talking to me. I will miss this.

I am totally overwhelmed because I don’t have tons of help. GF helps, but wants me, quite rightly, to be independent. This is hard, because when we are weak, we tend to overburden those we love. I think my friends and family are sick of me being sick. GF says I have been feeling sorry for myself. I do. And I feel jealous of people who seem to have their lives together more than I do. Friends and family who are married with kids, living in houses…

So, it’s a tough day, internet friends, but your posts are a great distraction…