Update

 

I tripped over 3 things in the past 2 weeks, and consequently, did not keep up with my PT. Was it justified? I don’t know. I know the first time, it was pretty bad, and I felt like it really needed to rest. The other two were just precautionary, and then I think I got lazy. It happens.

My mental state isn’t that great right now. I’m bummed because Stressor is stressing me out, and because I got a few rejections in my Inbox. Nothing says lovin’ like, “You’re awesome, but pass.” Granted, no one said exactly that… but still…

I am dieting… Am I dieting? I don’t know. All I know is that I decided to document my calorie intake, and after only two days of doing this, I’m already trying to lower it. I am also trying to break my newly-acquired soda habit. I had one today instead of two. I also had a sandwich with it, and that nearly doubled my calorie intake for the day, but I had to do something, I was feeling so blah.

Am I depressed? I don’t think so. It’s more like external pressures are pressuring me, and I’m just trying to stay afloat.

Give Me Strength.

We have a right to be angry…

Stressor continues to greet me as though I am the largest piece of shit in the world. It makes it difficult to keep a solid day of believing in myself. I can’t avoid this person (well, any more than I have been), so mostly I’m just venting here for venting’s sake, and maybe a little reassurance.

An old friend of mine wrote to ask my opinion on something. On the one hand, it was overwhelming- because she was asking for a considered opinion, not a one-word answer. On the other, it was validating that she sees me as someone whose opinions are sought after.

The job hunt has not been going well in terms of seeing fruit for my labor. I have been vigilant and thorough in presenting myself in my best possible light, but so far, nothing. As we discussed in my last blog, I needed to step away and maybe find some balance. It. Is. Not. Easy. I’ll tell you that much. With me stressing myself out, bystanders asking how things are going, and Stressor breathing down my neck…

So, I have taken some time to do some “me stuff”. I got a haircut, teeth cleaned, etc. I spent today cleaning set-in stains off of my pillow and mattress cover- stains that happened during the medical stuff, and that really just bummed me out colossally thereafter.

I also did some cleaning up in the craft room. Again, I found some stuff from Xmas. I’m not really surprised. Things were much harder than… I went back and read my posts from the last two years. It shocked me. And validated me.

Girlfriend has been lovely, but she also wants me to be able to stand on my own two feet. At least she’s usually kinder about it though.

I also trimmed and polished my toenails, and I’m loving them. I did my fingernails, too, but the polish has since worn off.

My ankle continues to improve, but I keep tripping up on various things, which has made recovery from the break harder.

More about PT, I guess.

I’ve written about PT here and there. TL;DR- I’m a fan. Sure it exhausts you, makes you sore, puts you to sleep afterwards… but, I feel it’s worth it. I just feel like, “I need this ankle for the rest of my life, therefore, it is worth putting the time in.”

Anyway, I just looked at my old regimen from the ankle-fixing shop. It is astounding to me how far I’ve come. Those exercises were done either in bed or in a wheelchair. I look at them now, and some of them seem absurd to me. ” ‘Lift your leg and hold it while you are seated.’- Are you joking? ” It’s a stark reminder of what it was like.

I apologize if it sounds like I’m bragging or talking about something everybody knows about. It’s just- this is the first time I’ve broken a bone, and it’s all so new. Nobody ever tells you these things. It was all strange to me, and the experience profoundly affected me.

 

 

 

Learning to walk again

…both metaphorically and literally.

I’ve been out of work since the abdominal drama a while back, and it’s made me think hard about what I want out of life and how I got turned around. Mostly this is an internal dialogue, but I just put this in for those who know what I am talking about.

I had prospects, great prospects, and I took a few off ramps, mostly for other people. My family gives me shit for not coming through, but mostly it was for them. I missed a lot, the world changed, I missed them. Now, it’s a thousand years later, and I’m being cryptic on wordpress because I can’t talk to them about it. Excuses, they’d say. Or so it goes in my head.

Perfectionism is something I inherited, and I often feel like I’m never doing enough. And now I feel like my friends and family are passing me by, while I stand wondering what happened.

Most people outside the situation give me reassurance in the form of, “Hello, you just went through a series of surgeries, which are major life events”. And part of my answers that, and part of me doesn’t hear it, or can’t hear it. So, I’m the black sheep, the disappointment… and when I try to paint my wool, you can see right through it.

 

Afterwards

At the moment, my biggest concern is lethargy and weight gain. I don’t know the cause. My usually wonderful doctors have been entertaining in trying to come up with their theories.

  • No, not depressed. At least as far as I know, I’m not. Like anyone else, I have good days and bad, but that’s part of living, isn’t it? It’s also, admittedly, a bit of a bummer when, after all this craziness, I am still tired and overweight 😛

 

  • I am not having an anxiety attack when I get tired from exercising. I’d like to award points for effort, but no. Sorry.

 

  • A nurse guessed the hysterectomy, and I’m far more inclined to believe that than anything else I’ve heard thus far.

 

As for me… well, I’m with my readers, who’ve guessed it’s probably a combo deal: hysterectomy + sitting around recovering + maybe the meds… I’m going to ask more docs for their input.

What I’m doing: Keeping in mind that we are only mid-week, so far this week has been about trying to reverse some bad habits I’ve picked up. Yes, I’ve eaten things I wasn’t eating before… but not enough to account for the switch from a M to an XL. Sorry, no. (Can I add that it’s reallllllly annoying when drs who really don’t know my case throw out guesses like that. No, I’m not just fat. I think I know my own body.)

 

Baby Steps

1

Girlfriend got me this pedometer for the holidays. It’s an apt metaphor, and I also like it. It doesn’t ask a lot of me in regard to upload/download overload. I just clip and go, which makes me want to use it more.

Just a reminder… I had surgeries and procedures and this, that and the other thing, so please no judgements when I start talking numbers.

In other words, I am starting from a near-geriatric pace. I know that. It’s ok. For me, it’s more about being able to sustain motion… which I can’t do as well as I would like right now. I am also starting from a point of obesity- also, for real, need no judgement- because it’s related to the medical challenges I’ve faced.

The good news is, I am feeling better enough to start… something. I would not call it exercise, but I guess, yes, it’s exercising. I’m walking around places just to get the feel for walking. I’m counting steps to know my limits when I overdo it. And it’s helping. I can do this.

 

Come sit by me, Charlie.

1

I don’t really know how I feel this holiday season. I was feeling in the spirit a few weeks ago, but now, not so much. At the moment, I feel a little bit like this guy.

This has been one crazy year. The Year of The Surgeries… and they’re all good- not regretting any of it. It’s just The Surgeries lead to The Talks, and that’s what’s getting to me.

I’m going to fictionalize this a bit because I care about those involved, but I also need my internet friends right now. About 3/4 of the way through my first recovery, Roommate gave me shit for not doing housework. Trust me, I know how silly this sounds- I was there. I remember picking things up with my toes and uttering made-up swear words.

For perspective, and to be fair, Roommate has been dealing my bodily malfunctions for years now. I never asked to be sick. It took courage to face fixing the problems. I didn’t think I’d be dealing with this, too.

At the end of every round of surgery/procedure/whatever, Roommate calmly told me how much I sucked- that I didn’t help around, that I didn’t pull my fair share, that I expected too much. So, with this surgery… Yes, surgery, I went into it expecting to go back to tempjob right away. Did I want to? Does it matter? On the one hand, yes I did. I liked the work and the people. On the other, most people have a much longer recovery time.

I managed to convince my Dr that I would follow any and all advice. Triumphantly, I held that little piece of paper in my hand… only to have Roommate start again with the same lecture, and again reminding me that if I don’t clean up my act, that eviction is imminent.

I can’t afford to stand on my own right now. As it is, I am lucky to even be standing. I was told to come up with a plan- as if I haven’t had one all along. You can plan until you are blue in the face, but life doesn’t always go your way.

TL;DR: I’m scared.

 

 

The Highlight Reel

1

I have to have another surgery. I am scared.

Girlfriend and I had Issues. Things are looking up now.

I started a temp job.

My laundry is really backed up right now, and I’m trying to catch up before I have limited mobility again.

I’m kind of tired of crazy things being wrong with me, but at the same time, I’m very very grateful for the outstanding care.

It turns out my forehead reacts to soda. Of course it does… /Sarcasm/

I’ve been drinking more coffee than ever, partly because I couldn’t for so long. This may change back again…

I mentioned before that I can now drink milk, and I have been, almost every day.

I gained SO MUCH WEIGHT, you guys… I didn’t even know this was possible. I am delighted that I can eat things I couldn’t digest easily before, but something is up with the way I am digesting my food. It scares me not knowing if this will change from good to bad or not.