Today I went shopping for clothes. I haven’t been clothes shopping in, um 5 years, maybe? I don’t even know. The last time I went shopping, I was a different size. I am not happy about the weight gain, but clothes must be worn, so clothes had to be purchased.
Long ago, I read an article that addressed this problem. It said, basically, don’t dishonor yourself by either wearing stuff that’s way too small, or buy clothes that you don’t like because you are mad you gained weight. Just be with it, in the moment.
My personal opinion is that there is always someone who can use them. Whether it’s a relative, a close friend, or a stranger, there will always be someone else you can help out by passing them on when you’re done. So yeah, basically, just buy the damn clothes, assuming you have the means to do so.
But, that’s not entirely my point…
I’ve mentioned before that it’s not one one of my strengths. My family still expects a lot from me, despite my having been through hell. And I know that I can be hard on myself, too. Nature? nurture?- probably a little of both, I guess. Just know that it’s a struggle.
Before all the craziness, I would occasionally deposit myself into a mall or some such and get clothes when needed. It was something I always enjoyed doing, but obviously, was the first thing to go.
The thing is, I used to just sort of wander around… meander and really take in the whole experience for what it’s worth. This time, yes, of course, naturally, I was grateful- both to be physically and financially able to enjoy such a luxury. It’s not lost on me. It was just…harder. And, this frustrates me. I try to rejoin the land of the living, and I’m still struggling very much with simply walking. It hurts the pride while simultaneously making you proud that you are doing it.
So… imperfection. I’m trying, I really am…