The Week in Review

This week was strangely exhausting. The weather’s been all over the place… From bitterly cold to unseasonably warm in a heartbeat… it was hard waking up this week. I was tired a lot. I mostly ate well, but then had soda & a meatball sandwich today.

Yeah, I’m not a vegetarian when I eat out anymore, and it’s fine if you feel you must unfollow me for that. Maybe another day, I will have more to say, but the TL;DR is that being unbearably sick led to it being pretty unsustainable for me.

I’ve made good & bad lunch choices within this framework. This week was 2 cheese sandwiches, 2 chicken w/veggy things, and the meatball thing. My lunch goal, really, is to watch the dumb moves I make when I stress out & to start packing more lunches.

I’ve always loved my carbs, & have to watch the soda & carbtastic dinner choices.

My weight’s the same, because I haven’t done anything other than going back to work & the movement that entails.

My body shape is still strange to me, the massive weight gain still bothers me. But things like sleep and getting back to living have taken precedence.

 

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Memory

It’s that time again…

 

Last week was not great for me. I skipped the gym altogether and ate terribly. Some weeks are like that. I’ve been stressed. My poor body has been complaining that I’ve been pushing it, and lately I have stiffness.

I still sometimes wonder if the laparoscopic surgery was the right decision. I do question that one because it was a rushed decision, and normally I take my time and am very thoughtful about my choices. But, when something shows up, and they don’t know what it is… it’s a frightening prospect.

It turned out to be non-life-threating (in that moment), but we could not have known that until afterwards. Still, it did not relieve the constipation or the pain, and caused problems for me just trying to live my life. I ended up basically getting fired over it. Other than losing my income, I then had to deal with recovery, and by then, most of my friends and family were well into caregiver the burnout phase.

What I suspect happened was something the medical professionals did prior. Yes, common practice is to yank out drain tubes. But, did anyone stop to consider the endo all over the place in there? That’s what I think happened- something got torn- whether it was endo or not. It’s not something I intend to pursue, but every one in a while, it reminds me of what I was doing last year at this time.

I’ve been taking measures to just get back into life, and with that comes, naturally, exposure to more people with their own agendas and whatnot. On a good day, I roll my eyes, but on a bad one, I cry at night over things I can’t control.

On these days of exasperation, I try to get back to the simple things in life, and it helps.

 

Update

I developed a UTI because of course I did /sarcasm/… I’ve been in touch w/the doctor & will go have it checked out. Usually, I can just take stuff & it goes away, but this one is particularly nasty.

Through some strange work of the world, I am travelling the same digs as my (long-ago) ex-girlfriend, and it’s super weird. Thankfully, we never travelled those digs together, but her shadow looms large. She was so different when we went out… now I see who she projects to the world and it just makes me angry in that “good for your success, but you didn’t have to step over me to get there…” way. It was a long time ago, I should just release that, but I’m only human.

Speaking of being human, my body was not really on-board with much this week. I skipped the gym most of the week. I went to a yoga class, which honestly kinda sucked, but I was trying to give it my all. It turned out I liked the fill-in teacher better. This one was acting like I was slowing down the class & was trying to redirect me to other classes. Such a pain because I’ve actually studied Hatha pretty extensively, so if I’m doing a modification, it’s bleeping intentional, lady! Yeah, yoga’s not supposed to make you angry, so there’s that…

…and because of the UTI and just feeling super run-down and awful, I skipped the do-it-yourself PT and the strength training. I might go over the weekend if I feel better. Haven’t decided yet.

More or less, my mind races at full speed while my body goes at its own slow pace. Sometimes I look like I’m mad at the world, but really, I’m just in pain so much of the time, it’s not great.

Inside, though, most of the time, I’m content, even happy.I just think maybe I tried to take on too much too soon, but for now, I’m just trying to get through it. Maybe I’ll feel better about things once I’m physically feeling better.

 

 

Update

I don’t even know where to start…

I joined a gym.

I took a little vacation with Girlfriend.

____________________________________

Put all of this together, and yes, I wholly over-estimated my abilities. Pain is a thing… nearly all of the time. Just from existing, before I even get to the gym.

When I go to the gym, I am kind to myself. It’s actually a re-charge from the physical toughness of the day.

Don’t get me wrong, I am in love with it. It is just very, very hard, and if I didn’t like just being part of the world again so much, I would not be putting myself through this.

I go home and my body is swollen, and I sleep with parts propped up on pillows, sometimes my whole body, sometimes I sleep nearly seated- like I was in the hospital bed. I take NSAIDs according to their directions. I am kind to myself. But yes, it hurts.

GF says that it will get easier with time. I want to believe her. I kind of need to, for my own piece of mind.

But I am good inside. I feel happy. I feel alive again. It’s been a long time…

 

Update

 

I tripped over 3 things in the past 2 weeks, and consequently, did not keep up with my PT. Was it justified? I don’t know. I know the first time, it was pretty bad, and I felt like it really needed to rest. The other two were just precautionary, and then I think I got lazy. It happens.

My mental state isn’t that great right now. I’m bummed because Stressor is stressing me out, and because I got a few rejections in my Inbox. Nothing says lovin’ like, “You’re awesome, but pass.” Granted, no one said exactly that… but still…

I am dieting… Am I dieting? I don’t know. All I know is that I decided to document my calorie intake, and after only two days of doing this, I’m already trying to lower it. I am also trying to break my newly-acquired soda habit. I had one today instead of two. I also had a sandwich with it, and that nearly doubled my calorie intake for the day, but I had to do something, I was feeling so blah.

Am I depressed? I don’t think so. It’s more like external pressures are pressuring me, and I’m just trying to stay afloat.

Give Me Strength.

We have a right to be angry…

Stressor continues to greet me as though I am the largest piece of shit in the world. It makes it difficult to keep a solid day of believing in myself. I can’t avoid this person (well, any more than I have been), so mostly I’m just venting here for venting’s sake, and maybe a little reassurance.

An old friend of mine wrote to ask my opinion on something. On the one hand, it was overwhelming- because she was asking for a considered opinion, not a one-word answer. On the other, it was validating that she sees me as someone whose opinions are sought after.

The job hunt has not been going well in terms of seeing fruit for my labor. I have been vigilant and thorough in presenting myself in my best possible light, but so far, nothing. As we discussed in my last blog, I needed to step away and maybe find some balance. It. Is. Not. Easy. I’ll tell you that much. With me stressing myself out, bystanders asking how things are going, and Stressor breathing down my neck…

So, I have taken some time to do some “me stuff”. I got a haircut, teeth cleaned, etc. I spent today cleaning set-in stains off of my pillow and mattress cover- stains that happened during the medical stuff, and that really just bummed me out colossally thereafter.

I also did some cleaning up in the craft room. Again, I found some stuff from Xmas. I’m not really surprised. Things were much harder than… I went back and read my posts from the last two years. It shocked me. And validated me.

Girlfriend has been lovely, but she also wants me to be able to stand on my own two feet. At least she’s usually kinder about it though.

I also trimmed and polished my toenails, and I’m loving them. I did my fingernails, too, but the polish has since worn off.

My ankle continues to improve, but I keep tripping up on various things, which has made recovery from the break harder.

More about PT, I guess.

I’ve written about PT here and there. TL;DR- I’m a fan. Sure it exhausts you, makes you sore, puts you to sleep afterwards… but, I feel it’s worth it. I just feel like, “I need this ankle for the rest of my life, therefore, it is worth putting the time in.”

Anyway, I just looked at my old regimen from the ankle-fixing shop. It is astounding to me how far I’ve come. Those exercises were done either in bed or in a wheelchair. I look at them now, and some of them seem absurd to me. ” ‘Lift your leg and hold it while you are seated.’- Are you joking? ” It’s a stark reminder of what it was like.

I apologize if it sounds like I’m bragging or talking about something everybody knows about. It’s just- this is the first time I’ve broken a bone, and it’s all so new. Nobody ever tells you these things. It was all strange to me, and the experience profoundly affected me.

 

 

 

Learning to walk again

…both metaphorically and literally.

I’ve been out of work since the abdominal drama a while back, and it’s made me think hard about what I want out of life and how I got turned around. Mostly this is an internal dialogue, but I just put this in for those who know what I am talking about.

I had prospects, great prospects, and I took a few off ramps, mostly for other people. My family gives me shit for not coming through, but mostly it was for them. I missed a lot, the world changed, I missed them. Now, it’s a thousand years later, and I’m being cryptic on wordpress because I can’t talk to them about it. Excuses, they’d say. Or so it goes in my head.

Perfectionism is something I inherited, and I often feel like I’m never doing enough. And now I feel like my friends and family are passing me by, while I stand wondering what happened.

Most people outside the situation give me reassurance in the form of, “Hello, you just went through a series of surgeries, which are major life events”. And part of my answers that, and part of me doesn’t hear it, or can’t hear it. So, I’m the black sheep, the disappointment… and when I try to paint my wool, you can see right through it.

 

Afterwards

At the moment, my biggest concern is lethargy and weight gain. I don’t know the cause. My usually wonderful doctors have been entertaining in trying to come up with their theories.

  • No, not depressed. At least as far as I know, I’m not. Like anyone else, I have good days and bad, but that’s part of living, isn’t it? It’s also, admittedly, a bit of a bummer when, after all this craziness, I am still tired and overweight 😛

 

  • I am not having an anxiety attack when I get tired from exercising. I’d like to award points for effort, but no. Sorry.

 

  • A nurse guessed the hysterectomy, and I’m far more inclined to believe that than anything else I’ve heard thus far.

 

As for me… well, I’m with my readers, who’ve guessed it’s probably a combo deal: hysterectomy + sitting around recovering + maybe the meds… I’m going to ask more docs for their input.

What I’m doing: Keeping in mind that we are only mid-week, so far this week has been about trying to reverse some bad habits I’ve picked up. Yes, I’ve eaten things I wasn’t eating before… but not enough to account for the switch from a M to an XL. Sorry, no. (Can I add that it’s reallllllly annoying when drs who really don’t know my case throw out guesses like that. No, I’m not just fat. I think I know my own body.)