Thanks and giving

I miss my grandma…

This week was pretty good. I am gearing up for Thanksgiving, so my mind’s mostly been on that. Went food shopping yesterday… the way I described it to Girlfriend was like Vikings with shopping carts.

With the cooler weather, I’ve been more focused on food in general. I got a new cookbook of vegan crockpot ideas. I’m not vegan, but I was looking for something on the healthier side, and this seems to fit the bill. I also got a different healthy cooking book to give as an Xmas gift. Do I need a copy for myself? I haven’t decided yet.

My formerly broken things have been stiff, and it may or may not be the brace that’s causing it. It probably is, but life without the little sock brace thing is not as sure-footed… I have to decide what I’m doing about that. It will be harder to fly without a net, but also probably better in the long run. Getting back to the home-based exercises should help it, too.

I’ve been very busy, making up for lost time, I guess. I’m still working on the logistics of life 😉

It’s probably past time to go clothes shopping again, because I need winter clothes that actually fit. It’s tough to break the piggy bank open after living so modestly for so long, but, you know, the tiny wardrobe thing is starting to wear thin.

I’m trying to save for various goals. It’s all been said before, but Gen Xers and Millenials got screwed. I will be paying for my education until I’m retired. It factors into every decision I make. I did manage to make a donation to an organization that helped me when I was in great need. Although that was not a debt in the traditional sense of the word, it was a debt in my mind, and repaying it felt good.

 

 

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Because it’s been ages since I’ve done one of these…

These types of survey-things used to be all over the internet. They used to make the rounds even so late as the early stages of this blog. I found this one on a blog, who found it on a friend’s blog, who…

So, sure, why not? I’m gonna party like it’s 2012 and fill one of these babies out!

“So, what am I doing these days?”

Making: Money, I guess? Not much, but it’s appreciated.

Cooking: Not a whole heck of a lot these days. Mostly I’ve been heating things up in the microwave.

Drinking: Too much soda, some coffee, and the occasional beer.

Wanting: More for myself than seems possible at the moment.

Reading: Articles and a book on money management.

Playing: Nintendo now and then

Deciding: Too many things

Wishing: For a better life

Enjoying: Doing nothing this weekend

Waiting: Always

Wondering: About my future

Loving: Fuzzy socks

Pondering: My future

Buying: The occasional coffee or lunch. I’ve been pretty miserly lately.

Watching: A movie I got on sale at the store the other day, so I guess that counts.

Hoping: Indeed, I am…

Marveling: At the beautiful morning sky.

Cringing: When bad things happen.

Needing: To start my life back up again.

Questioning: Why I chose to fill out such a long survey.

Smelling: There is a terrible smell in another room that I can’t identify or find the source of, and it’s driving me crazy. But at the moment, I’m tired of trying to figure it out.

Wearing: My pjs because it’s the weekend and I don’t have to try to figure out clothing- yay! 🙂

Following: Several blogs on here for entertainment mostly

Knowing: So much seems uncertain right now.

Thinking: I’m always thinking about something. Also, yes, that I liked reading this way more than I’m liking working on it.

Admiring: My Fall decorations.

Sorting: I was sorting my socks a few minutes ago.

Getting: Bored with this, to be honest.

Bookmarking: Nothing of particular interest.

Coveting: I deeply covet some people’s ability to live without struggle

Disliking: Idk

Opening: I just opened a bandaid wrapper to get the bandaid out.

Giggling: I still burst into giggles far out of reach of jokes/stories I’m told, as an after-effect of having been cooped up so long. People have looked at me and even said, “It’s not that funny.”

Feeling: Mostly, I’m fine, but I still occasionally feel out of sorts. Unless you’ve been there, it’s hard to understand what I’m feeling right now, and sometimes I still have the occasional moment of not adjusting just so.

Snacking: Yes, I’m snacking. I’d like to say I’m not, but every once in a while, I will grab the occasional donut.

Hearing: Nothing really at the moment.

Update

I’m starting to speed walk again. Not as sport- as life. That was my default setting. I feel good having that speed back again. I missed it so much and never thought it was coming back.

I’m now going down stairs the right way. Finally. It took so long to get this back. It’s not perfect yet, but pretty darn close. I still wear the sport brace most of the time. Should I be? I don’t know. When I wear it, going down the stairs is much easier. When I don’t, it’s far more difficult. But the difficulty may lie in the stiffness. (Don’t go by me if you’re in this position, but rather, ask your doctor).

In terms of stiffness, I still need to check out my PT to sort of see where I’m at in comparison to where I was.

I’m walking tons but not working out much.

I’m not losing any weight. I tried eating less, but by the end of the week, I was very hungry, and consequently, ate too much & wiped away the progress I’d made.

So, I’ve been beating myself up over that, but I’m wondering if maybe it’s time to just let the weight chill for a while, and instead re-focus on my health, good food, and regaining strength and vitality.

 

Memory

It’s that time again…

 

Last week was not great for me. I skipped the gym altogether and ate terribly. Some weeks are like that. I’ve been stressed. My poor body has been complaining that I’ve been pushing it, and lately I have stiffness.

I still sometimes wonder if the laparoscopic surgery was the right decision. I do question that one because it was a rushed decision, and normally I take my time and am very thoughtful about my choices. But, when something shows up, and they don’t know what it is… it’s a frightening prospect.

It turned out to be non-life-threating (in that moment), but we could not have known that until afterwards. Still, it did not relieve the constipation or the pain, and caused problems for me just trying to live my life. I ended up basically getting fired over it. Other than losing my income, I then had to deal with recovery, and by then, most of my friends and family were well into caregiver the burnout phase.

What I suspect happened was something the medical professionals did prior. Yes, common practice is to yank out drain tubes. But, did anyone stop to consider the endo all over the place in there? That’s what I think happened- something got torn- whether it was endo or not. It’s not something I intend to pursue, but every one in a while, it reminds me of what I was doing last year at this time.

I’ve been taking measures to just get back into life, and with that comes, naturally, exposure to more people with their own agendas and whatnot. On a good day, I roll my eyes, but on a bad one, I cry at night over things I can’t control.

On these days of exasperation, I try to get back to the simple things in life, and it helps.

 

Sharing is Caring

Why have I filed this under multiple categories? Because it permeates every thing we do, everything we have done. Most women have experienced it. These are US statistics. It’s more than just the entertainment industry. 

#Metoo gives voice to survivors. Time or money towards women’s organizations also helps. There is no right way- only your own way through it. Take care of you. I focus on women because I am a woman.

Update

I’ve been impressing myself lately.

Today, I:

  • stopped to get milk & coffee (in my pjs, but I don’t even care)
  • started the laundry
  • started a soup in the crockpot, which involved cutting vegetables early in the morning
  • made my quickie saucepaste, with slight modification: cutting out the tomato goo from the Romas
  • dumped & cleaned my tomato plant rig
  • made a lovely tomato/mozz melt with the saucepaste

In general, I’m happy to report, I’m really doing pretty well. I still have one very big milestone to hit, but otherwise, I truck through pain & swelling ok. Yeah, that’s not great, but at least I’m out & about.

I’ve gone into the city a couple of times, which was so cathartic for me. Part of me wants to move back, part of me doesn’t know if I should take smaller bites out of life first.

I’ve gone to the sports arena a couple of times. I’ve gone on public transportation and dealt with crazy vertical stairs as well. I can muster up a decent pace walking in a straight line now— unless I’ve done too much that day, then I start walking like Lurch again. It’s not bad.

As I get better, my capacity for shining is coming back.

I’ve been setting small goals. I am working on letting go of perfect, but I do get closer to my idea of perfection now.

I am becoming stronger. I will need that strength.

 

An update, more or less

Money is on my mind a lot lately. I don’t really have much of it, but for the past few months- since I’ve been “better”, I’ve been looking into what the rest of the world does.

I say this only half-joking, because, honestly, parts of my life have been so absurd that I actually do need to research normalcy sometimes to calibrate my expectations. Case in point- how much you make compared to how much you actually get.

I’m no expert, and it does not come naturally to me, so I’m basically studying it like I would any other subject, in controlled bites that I choose myself. I feel like I’m gaining an understanding, which is nice. I will never be that girl for whom this is all intuitive, but I’m a decent learner.

 

A Special Day

I woke up early to answer the call of nature, but even that was when I’m usually up & out the door already. It was nice. Then, I dragged my butt over to the clothes lain askew on the floor in exhaustion, dropped them into the basket, and started up the laundry. I have to wait for them to dry & hang them so nothing wrinkles… and then, hopefully, I’m off to girlfriend’s place.

We still live far too far from each other for my taste, but she’s not going anywhere anytime soon, and I can’t right now, so we make do as best we can. I’ve mentioned before that she handles it better than I do. It is one of several items on a very long wish list- if things were better. Will I live to see that day? Sometimes, it just seems so impossible.

My health improves not in strides these days but in small increments, and sometimes, depending on what I’m doing, it’s becoming less noticeable. Sometimes I get frustrated, and Girlfriend brings me back to center.

Despite my distaste for poking my head up above my own atmosphere, I can’t help but notice that once again things are looking bad for ladylovin ladies. It is stressful. I was on the tail end of people who saw every day what it felt like to be marginalized based on your heart. Girlfriend fully lived through it. I felt marginalized in multiple ways in the past- like important people didn’t case whether I lived or died. It is… not something I have words for, to feel the stirrings of that once again.

I’ve felt marginalized in smaller ways, which don’t warrant being thrown in with the rest of it, and some of which, I’ve addressed already. But there’s more, there always is- this feeling of being othered on top of being othered- that I now can’t have children, at least with this body, and do I even want to? My closest friends are all married with kids. And it never really got to me before. And through a strange alchemy of circumstances, the difference finally hit me. And it was painful. And not really anyone’s fault. Just something for my own psyche to ponder.

*I was going to use an image of Cheer Bear for this post. The original Cheer Bear had a proper rainbow on its stomach. The newer drawings stop at green. Weird.

Can’t sleep…

… so, here’s a post of some random updates.

*My nails have grown strong again and I love them. Stopping the soda helped.

*I feel like my body is changing shape again. No, I’m not some sort of alien… I just mean the ratio of muscle to fat (or something like that). I’ve been working on eating healthier lately.

*Girlfriend’s birthday is coming up, and I am looking forward to seeing her. We had plans last weekend, but I cancelled because the weather was poor. I feel like I let down my rainbow sisters and brothers b/c we were actually going to go to a random pride thing for the first time in forever. Oops.

*I’m tired often. It’s not illness fatigue like I talked about a few months ago. No, this is omg, I miss sleep. It is a privilege to be able to complain about this. And being harassed on a near-daily basis during my commute. And sometimes not having a seat on public transport. And some nasty lady gave me shit for changing in the curtained changing area at the gym. What? Really? Yes, really.

*Although my style is easily summarized as femme but not full-on lipstick, hair done, wearing heels femme, I have been wearing my now-shorter hair up & bought guys workout shirts because the women’s didn’t fit. Also, you know, weight gain means superboobs, and those really aren’t for show. I don’t mind looking cute, but guys at the gym can be weird sometimes. They posture. I ignore.

*But, I’ve noticed, when I do little changes- deliberately not falling within expectations, I am treated differently. So, there’s that. I don’t wear heels firstly because I don’t like them, and secondly, because I couldn’t even if I wanted to! I wear my hair up & not fluffy because sometimes I don’t feel fluffy.