Update

I developed a UTI because of course I did /sarcasm/… I’ve been in touch w/the doctor & will go have it checked out. Usually, I can just take stuff & it goes away, but this one is particularly nasty.

Through some strange work of the world, I am travelling the same digs as my (long-ago) ex-girlfriend, and it’s super weird. Thankfully, we never travelled those digs together, but her shadow looms large. She was so different when we went out… now I see who she projects to the world and it just makes me angry in that “good for your success, but you didn’t have to step over me to get there…” way. It was a long time ago, I should just release that, but I’m only human.

Speaking of being human, my body was not really on-board with much this week. I skipped the gym most of the week. I went to a yoga class, which honestly kinda sucked, but I was trying to give it my all. It turned out I liked the fill-in teacher better. This one was acting like I was slowing down the class & was trying to redirect me to other classes. Such a pain because I’ve actually studied Hatha pretty extensively, so if I’m doing a modification, it’s bleeping intentional, lady! Yeah, yoga’s not supposed to make you angry, so there’s that…

…and because of the UTI and just feeling super run-down and awful, I skipped the do-it-yourself PT and the strength training. I might go over the weekend if I feel better. Haven’t decided yet.

More or less, my mind races at full speed while my body goes at its own slow pace. Sometimes I look like I’m mad at the world, but really, I’m just in pain so much of the time, it’s not great.

Inside, though, most of the time, I’m content, even happy.I just think maybe I tried to take on too much too soon, but for now, I’m just trying to get through it. Maybe I’ll feel better about things once I’m physically feeling better.

 

 

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In the quiet, in the dark

…I sit writing, in Girlfriend’s bed that I helped pick out. She’s not here right now. I am drinking from her pretty blender bottle, enjoying her protein powder that tastes like a creamscicle. I prefer the one that tastes like fudge, and she knows this, but wanted me to give this one a try. It is good, but a little too acidic for my taste in the morning. This matters because my body is still complicated.

I have what I call “fuzzy tongue”, and I need to tell her this if we decide to swashbuckle tongues later on. But right now, in the quiet, alone time, mostly I am feeling it in my throat and lungs, and I know I will have to address it when I return home.

The pressure people are still pressuring me, as though I don’t give a shit and I sit around and eat bon-bons all day. I came to GF’s with my shoulders embedded into my ear canals, my back muscles tense, my ankle recently twisted while not yet fully recovered. I made what is kind of a sacrifice to the greater good, lending someone something that is worth money that I desperately need. I wanted a thank you. I didn’t get it. Instead, I got yelled at for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. Something that typically happens when I am home.

I have had a few beers; one a day, really, and I have taken hot baths each day, and slowly my muscles are easing. I drink coffee, I eat well… yet, I have not resumed the application process. Lest you think I’m a slacker, I had been at it all day, every day since I’ve been back. I needed some time away. I guess I should really do some today.

Update

So, the boot is history. I need to clean it up before I put it away.

The rolling cart will go to someone in need, who has already asked for it. I love my cart and was planning to keep it, but honestly…

I can do things now to tolerance. Mostly, I’m just trying to walk properly and not get too tired.

PT got cut short. Shame bc I do my workouts. I try my hardest, even when I’m worn out and sore. But, they said they’d give me some things I can do at home, and that’s almost as good, I guess.

All but one of the marigolds look ok to me. I don’t really want to buy just one marigold. Especially since I paid for 4. Shame on me for going somewhere with a no-return policy.

Learning to walk again

…both metaphorically and literally.

I’ve been out of work since the abdominal drama a while back, and it’s made me think hard about what I want out of life and how I got turned around. Mostly this is an internal dialogue, but I just put this in for those who know what I am talking about.

I had prospects, great prospects, and I took a few off ramps, mostly for other people. My family gives me shit for not coming through, but mostly it was for them. I missed a lot, the world changed, I missed them. Now, it’s a thousand years later, and I’m being cryptic on wordpress because I can’t talk to them about it. Excuses, they’d say. Or so it goes in my head.

Perfectionism is something I inherited, and I often feel like I’m never doing enough. And now I feel like my friends and family are passing me by, while I stand wondering what happened.

Most people outside the situation give me reassurance in the form of, “Hello, you just went through a series of surgeries, which are major life events”. And part of my answers that, and part of me doesn’t hear it, or can’t hear it. So, I’m the black sheep, the disappointment… and when I try to paint my wool, you can see right through it.

 

Easter at the ankle fixing facility

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This is a bunny I made from random stuff in my room. Easter is kinda like this bunny in that I am trying to make something out of nothing.

I slept all day, almost literally, if it weren’t for the meal interludes. The best meal today was the one I scraped together from gifts from the Girlfriend: canned ravioli, special vegan protein drink, and some fancy chocolate with fruit in it. I feel like Easter started with that meal.

I hid from the world and slept, which, if you are reasonably healthy here, aside from broken things, you can occasionally get away with. No one came to visit me on Easter, which sucks so much. There were visitors everywhere and just hearing them from behind my closed door was already too much to handle. I have this great neighbor who kept knocking, for what it’s worth, but I couldnt make it to the door in time and didnt want to try. As cool as dormmates can be, sometimes you just need to be alone, to contemplate your aloneness. What can I say, I’m a complicated being.

Girlfriend is away this Easter, as is often the case, so the gifts were from previous visits. The whatnow family was busy doing things that did not involve me, and to be fair, most were away as well. So, it’s not personal. It just feel that way sometimes, which makes weekends here the hardest for me. Then Sunday, I remember my ankle homework and take the time to complete it, or not, but usually I do.

I have a nearly completed Easter egg that needs finishing too. It actually looks pretty good half finished, so thats nice.

I have also watched so many food shows its unbelieveable. I cant wait until this thing is fixed.

Blueberry Muffins: First Try!

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I’m slowly getting back into my groove. This is the first baking I’ve done in a while, excluding the boxed cake I mentioned a while back.

I’d never actually made blueberry muffins from scratch before. This recipe was quick and easy. I liked that. The muffin tops were flat because I’d tried a commenter’s suggestion to add sugar to the top mid-bake. Um, no. Don’t bother. I much rather would have tall muffins instead of the little bit of extra sugar. Live and learn.

Otherwise, the muffins are moist and chewy, and are now half-gone. So, it was a success. Next time, I’m thinking of trying a different recipe to see how they compare.

Enjoy! 🙂