Update

I’ve been impressing myself lately.

Today, I:

  • stopped to get milk & coffee (in my pjs, but I don’t even care)
  • started the laundry
  • started a soup in the crockpot, which involved cutting vegetables early in the morning
  • made my quickie saucepaste, with slight modification: cutting out the tomato goo from the Romas
  • dumped & cleaned my tomato plant rig
  • made a lovely tomato/mozz melt with the saucepaste

In general, I’m happy to report, I’m really doing pretty well. I still have one very big milestone to hit, but otherwise, I truck through pain & swelling ok. Yeah, that’s not great, but at least I’m out & about.

I’ve gone into the city a couple of times, which was so cathartic for me. Part of me wants to move back, part of me doesn’t know if I should take smaller bites out of life first.

I’ve gone to the sports arena a couple of times. I’ve gone on public transportation and dealt with crazy vertical stairs as well. I can muster up a decent pace walking in a straight line now— unless I’ve done too much that day, then I start walking like Lurch again. It’s not bad.

I do not have time for the shit of the bull these days. I am a decent and kind person. As I get better, my capacity for shining is coming back. It can be threatening, I guess? Though I try to remind myself that it is not my problem. Some people just aren’t kind and decent people.

There are all kinds of decisions that have to be made, which basically boil down to how I want to live my life. I don’t really have anyone to talk to right now about most of it, because ultimately it boils down to what I want for myself.

I’ve been setting small goals. I am working on letting go of perfect, but I do get closer to my idea of perfection now. I am intelligent by nature, and well… not be be rude, but some people aren’t, and don’t like those that are. …Giving myself the freedom to be ok with people not liking me…

I guess, it’s hard… For me to accept that. But that is a fundamental truth about the human existence. We don’t all have to like each other. Meanwhile, I am becoming stronger. I will need that strength.

 

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An update, more or less

Money is on my mind a lot lately. I don’t really have much of it, but for the past few months- since I’ve been “better”, I’ve been looking into what the rest of the world does.

I say this only half-joking, because, honestly, parts of my life have been so absurd that I actually do need to research normalcy sometimes to calibrate my expectations. Case in point- how much you make compared to how much you actually get.

I’m no expert, and it does not come naturally to me, so I’m basically studying it like I would any other subject, in controlled bites that I choose myself. I feel like I’m gaining an understanding, which is nice. I will never be that girl for whom this is all intuitive, but I’m a decent learner.

 

A Special Day

I woke up early to answer the call of nature, but even that was when I’m usually up & out the door already. It was nice. Then, I dragged my butt over to the clothes lain askew on the floor in exhaustion, dropped them into the basket, and started up the laundry. I have to wait for them to dry & hang them so nothing wrinkles… and then, hopefully, I’m off to girlfriend’s place.

We still live far too far from each other for my taste, but she’s not going anywhere anytime soon, and I can’t right now, so we make do as best we can. I’ve mentioned before that she handles it better than I do. It is one of several items on a very long wish list- if things were better. Will I live to see that day? Sometimes, it just seems so impossible.

My health improves not in strides these days but in small increments, and sometimes, depending on what I’m doing, it’s becoming less noticeable. Sometimes I get frustrated, and Girlfriend brings me back to center.

Despite my distaste for poking my head up above my own atmosphere, I can’t help but notice that once again things are looking bad for ladylovin ladies. It is stressful. I was on the tail end of people who saw every day what it felt like to be marginalized based on your heart. Girlfriend fully lived through it. I felt marginalized in multiple ways in the past- like important people didn’t case whether I lived or died. It is… not something I have words for, to feel the stirrings of that once again.

I’ve felt marginalized in smaller ways, which don’t warrant being thrown in with the rest of it, and some of which, I’ve addressed already. But there’s more, there always is- this feeling of being othered on top of being othered- that I now can’t have children, at least with this body, and do I even want to? My closest friends are all married with kids. And it never really got to me before. And through a strange alchemy of circumstances, the difference finally hit me. And it was painful. And not really anyone’s fault. Just something for my own psyche to ponder.

*I was going to use an image of Cheer Bear for this post. The original Cheer Bear had a proper rainbow on its stomach. The newer drawings stop at green. Weird.

Embracing Imperfection

Today I went shopping for clothes. I haven’t been clothes shopping in, um 5 years, maybe? I don’t even know. The last time I went shopping, I was a different size. I am not happy about the weight gain, but clothes must be worn, so clothes had to be purchased.

Long ago, I read an article that addressed this problem. It said, basically, don’t dishonor yourself by either wearing stuff that’s way too small, or buy clothes that you don’t like because you are mad you gained weight. Just be with it, in the moment.

My personal opinion is that there is always someone who can use them. Whether it’s a relative, a close friend, or a stranger, there will always be someone else you can help out by passing them on when you’re done. So yeah, basically, just buy the damn clothes, assuming you have the means to do so.

But, that’s not entirely my point…

Imperfection.

I’ve mentioned before that it’s not one one of my strengths. My family still expects a lot from me, despite my having been through hell. And I know that I can be hard on myself, too. Nature? nurture?- probably a little of both, I guess. Just know that it’s a struggle.

Before all the craziness, I would occasionally deposit myself into a mall or some such and get clothes when needed. It was something I always enjoyed doing, but obviously, was the first thing to go.

The thing is, I used to just sort of wander around… meander and really take in the whole experience for what it’s worth. This time, yes, of course, naturally, I was grateful- both to be physically and financially able to enjoy such a luxury. It’s not lost on me. It was just…harder. And, this frustrates me. I try to rejoin the land of the living, and I’m still struggling very much with simply walking. It hurts the pride while simultaneously making you proud that you are doing it.

So… imperfection. I’m trying, I really am…

Update

Start your day of strong… #janeway #voyager #coffee #startrek #borg #scifi #sciencefiction #geek #nerd #coffeebeans #energy #coffeetime

A post shared by The Science Fiction Museum (@hollywoodscifimuseum) on

Yeah, I barely worked out this week. I went to one yoga class, which was a total bust. There’s nothing that can de-motivate a person like attending a class that’s supposed to be low-level, only to have the instructors be pushing it much harder than advertised. I can barely walk sometimes. I just want to get my stretch on. So, I don’t know about group exercise so far. Right now, it’s not working for me.

I also angered my injury the other day in a not-good way, and have been in pain ever since. I can feel it’s just angry- it’s not epically re-injured or anything… but yeah. And yes, I know to take it easy… was just in one of those can’t-win situations and whoop, there it is…

I’ve been re-watching GLOW and honestly, at this point, I’m pretty deep into it. I hope next season is just as good. There’s really nothing like it.

Despite being in pain, I am wavering on whether or not I want to go out today to get a few things done. Resting may win out.

I saw an old-ish interview with zelda williams, and man, she is a badass. She sounds like a person who has her shit together.

Oh, I’ve also watched interviews with many of the GLOW actresses, and the ones I saw seemed really intelligent. Though, there was this one interview I didn’t like as much because the interviewers took it in a kind of vapid direction.

I am not ready for fall. No, no, I don’t wanna, in the style of lego batman. I woke up from a sound sleep shivering. Not. Ready.

I bought some terrible coffee grounds the other day. So awful. I actually checked to see if they’d take them back. They did. Thanks, nice coffee-purveyors!

Hoping to be able to move in a few months or so, but even thinking about it is very stressful. I’ve been researching that and Other Things I Would Do If I Had Money. Even in the hypothetical, it’s kind of more stressful than fun to me. Why are cellphones so damn expensive? Why do they make them to only last a few years, when we are still basically in a recession? Blah. I mean, I’m not naive, I know these people aren’t in the business of charity… but it would look nice for their public images to have something accessible. Then again, they haven’t asked me…

Why do people not write you back when you ask them shit? Whatever. Just makes me not buy your thing. (In this case it was an apartment- which I’m not ready for yet, (just researching), but I was still put-off by people just ignoring my emails!). Oh look, I could’ve used the right kind of brackets. Oh well.

I’ve been getting coffee out now and then, which Girlfriend has given me shit for. In her defense, and if she’s reading this (she doesn’t usually), I do know she means well. But it just didn’t sit right. I mean, I’ve been so broke for so long… Coffee is a small treat.

I might make some waffles this morning. I still have some leftover mixes from that time I temped at a kitchen store. It’s so crazy for me to think of that now, compared to what I’m striving for. But, stuff like that keeps you humble and helped me a little with bills for as long as it lasted. May as well see if the mix is still good.

____

Later…

Well, I’m out of that mix, but I found blueberry flapjack mix. I worked on teaching myself the whole pancake/flapjack making thing. The first one was lost to the pancake gods, the others were different experiments, but all good. Mostly, I’m just trying to find the right balance of heat.

Now, I have to decide if I want to get some pumpkin spice flavored waffle mix or not.

 

 

Learning to walk again

…both metaphorically and literally.

I’ve been out of work since the abdominal drama a while back, and it’s made me think hard about what I want out of life and how I got turned around. Mostly this is an internal dialogue, but I just put this in for those who know what I am talking about.

I had prospects, great prospects, and I took a few off ramps, mostly for other people. My family gives me shit for not coming through, but mostly it was for them. I missed a lot, the world changed, I missed them. Now, it’s a thousand years later, and I’m being cryptic on wordpress because I can’t talk to them about it. Excuses, they’d say. Or so it goes in my head.

Perfectionism is something I inherited, and I often feel like I’m never doing enough. And now I feel like my friends and family are passing me by, while I stand wondering what happened.

Most people outside the situation give me reassurance in the form of, “Hello, you just went through a series of surgeries, which are major life events”. And part of my answers that, and part of me doesn’t hear it, or can’t hear it. So, I’m the black sheep, the disappointment… and when I try to paint my wool, you can see right through it.

 

Trying to keep up with you…

So, you guys know that “Losing my Religion” was not about actual religion, right? To me, it’s common knowledge, but I wasn’t sure if people would get it if I chose that for a title.

It was/is an expression, basically meaning, “at your wits’ end”, and that’s where I’m finding myself today. It’s been pouring and grey and windy all day- only now I see a beautiful little bit on sunset. I’ve spent today in my lady cave, sorta pondering the mysteries of my own private universe.

Things with the roomy are on and off, and honestly, it makes things hard sometimes. As a creative type, I feel things pretty intensely- some say, too intensely, but then again, that’s what makes me… me… you know?

I’m working on the job thing, and while I don’t want or need ‘How To’ advice on that front, I could use some virtual pats on the back. When I’m feeling sad about other stuff, it’s hard to find the self-confidence I need to put in a nice application. Is this common? Do you ever feel this way? I hope it’s not just me. I kinda wanted to make a reference to Manic Monday in this post too, but my Monday isn’t Manic. I just feel losery in the way that song describes, except they are referring to actually having a job. Ah well, big-haired nostalgia helps anyway.