Give Me Strength.

We have a right to be angry…

Stressor continues to greet me as though I am the largest piece of shit in the world. It makes it difficult to keep a solid day of believing in myself. I can’t avoid this person (well, any more than I have been), so mostly I’m just venting here for venting’s sake, and maybe a little reassurance.

An old friend of mine wrote to ask my opinion on something. On the one hand, it was overwhelming- because she was asking for a considered opinion, not a one-word answer. On the other, it was validating that she sees me as someone whose opinions are sought after.

The job hunt has not been going well in terms of seeing fruit for my labor. I have been vigilant and thorough in presenting myself in my best possible light, but so far, nothing. As we discussed in my last blog, I needed to step away and maybe find some balance. It. Is. Not. Easy. I’ll tell you that much. With me stressing myself out, bystanders asking how things are going, and Stressor breathing down my neck…

So, I have taken some time to do some “me stuff”. I got a haircut, teeth cleaned, etc. I spent today cleaning set-in stains off of my pillow and mattress cover- stains that happened during the medical stuff, and that really just bummed me out colossally thereafter.

I also did some cleaning up in the craft room. Again, I found some stuff from Xmas. I’m not really surprised. Things were much harder than… I went back and read my posts from the last two years. It shocked me. And validated me.

Girlfriend has been lovely, but she also wants me to be able to stand on my own two feet. At least she’s usually kinder about it though.

I also trimmed and polished my toenails, and I’m loving them. I did my fingernails, too, but the polish has since worn off.

My ankle continues to improve, but I keep tripping up on various things, which has made recovery from the break harder.

In the quiet, in the dark

…I sit writing, in Girlfriend’s bed that I helped pick out. She’s not here right now. I am drinking from her pretty blender bottle, enjoying her protein powder that tastes like a creamscicle. I prefer the one that tastes like fudge, and she knows this, but wanted me to give this one a try. It is good, but a little too acidic for my taste in the morning. This matters because my body is still complicated.

I have what I call “fuzzy tongue”, and I need to tell her this if we decide to swashbuckle tongues later on. But right now, in the quiet, alone time, mostly I am feeling it in my throat and lungs, and I know I will have to address it when I return home.

The pressure people are still pressuring me, as though I don’t give a shit and I sit around and eat bon-bons all day. I came to GF’s with my shoulders embedded into my ear canals, my back muscles tense, my ankle recently twisted while not yet fully recovered. I made what is kind of a sacrifice to the greater good, lending someone something that is worth money that I desperately need. I wanted a thank you. I didn’t get it. Instead, I got yelled at for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. Something that typically happens when I am home.

I have had a few beers; one a day, really, and I have taken hot baths each day, and slowly my muscles are easing. I drink coffee, I eat well… yet, I have not resumed the application process. Lest you think I’m a slacker, I had been at it all day, every day since I’ve been back. I needed some time away. I guess I should really do some today.

Update

So, the boot is history. I need to clean it up before I put it away.

The rolling cart will go to someone in need, who has already asked for it. I love my cart and was planning to keep it, but honestly…

I can do things now to tolerance. Mostly, I’m just trying to walk properly and not get too tired.

PT got cut short. Shame bc I do my workouts. I try my hardest, even when I’m worn out and sore. But, they said they’d give me some things I can do at home, and that’s almost as good, I guess.

All but one of the marigolds look ok to me. I don’t really want to buy just one marigold. Especially since I paid for 4. Shame on me for going somewhere with a no-return policy.

Learning to walk again

…both metaphorically and literally.

I’ve been out of work since the abdominal drama a while back, and it’s made me think hard about what I want out of life and how I got turned around. Mostly this is an internal dialogue, but I just put this in for those who know what I am talking about.

I had prospects, great prospects, and I took a few off ramps, mostly for other people. My family gives me shit for not coming through, but mostly it was for them. I missed a lot, the world changed, I missed them. Now, it’s a thousand years later, and I’m being cryptic on wordpress because I can’t talk to them about it. Excuses, they’d say. Or so it goes in my head.

Perfectionism is something I inherited, and I often feel like I’m never doing enough. And now I feel like my friends and family are passing me by, while I stand wondering what happened.

Most people outside the situation give me reassurance in the form of, “Hello, you just went through a series of surgeries, which are major life events”. And part of my answers that, and part of me doesn’t hear it, or can’t hear it. So, I’m the black sheep, the disappointment… and when I try to paint my wool, you can see right through it.

 

Baby Steps

So, here we are. …Not quite at a month yet, just a couple of weeks. I’m doing ok. Returning to normalcy is what it is.

I face rejection of my inner self- the unicorn part of me- the creative part of me- most of who I am. It is hard.

I am working on finding something good that will improve my situation.

I am also working on my ankle, and I wobble much like this little cygnet at the moment.

I got one cherry tomato plant this year- a type I haven’t tried before. It is pretty. I hope it does well. I did not want to do my former 4 because it cost too much and I didn’t have enough gardening supplies. I had one bag of soil left, so I chose one plant.

I used up two of my three gift cards, so I’m running low on the ability to buy an iced coffee or some such when out. This is important because I’ve been having stomach issues lately, and the (obviously non-alcoholic) drinks help.

I miss speaking to the nice people at the old pt, but have avoided it because I’m trying to move on. Mixed feelings.

I’ve been doing what I can to clean ancient messes. I’ve been doing it in spurts. I’m feeling better now, and that helps.

 

Be it ever so humble…

I am back from the unexpected hospital visit. I have things to say- many of them, but I am currently too wiped out to do so. So please enjoy this picture of a “hobbit house” instead. 🙂

Garden Update

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Shortly after I wrote the last garden update, the first frost came, and with that, the end of the season. It was a good second season, despite some challenges.

Here’s what the cleanup looked like:

Image 1:

The buckets and colanders before the first rinse. I still need to bleach and rinse them again before putting them away. I chose feed buckets a couple of years ago because they seemed sanitary enough. I was using organic soil, so I thought, “may as well keep things as neat and clean as possible”. I went with the 12 quart size, based on what I read & what I could afford. They were expensive and, in retrospect, possibly unnecessary, but I like them. The colanders are for drainage. The tomatoes really seemed to take to this system the first year, which was why I kept using it. I like it and the plants like it, so I see no reason not to continue.

Incidentally, I wouldn’t call myself an organic gardener, although I think everything I used on the tomatoes happened to be organic. It was by design originally, but this year, I was just working with what I had.

 

Image 2:

Tomato cages, obviously. These are 42″. I also use garden twine to tie the plants to the cages. This was more of an issue when the leaves were huge, and less so once they had permanent buzzcuts, though the cages were still necessary to support the fruit. I also had to anchor the buckets and cages against the wind this year, so next year, that will be on my set-up list.

 

Image 3:

The remaining tomatoes in their storage bag. It’s been a little while since I put them in the fridge. Hopefully, they’re still fine.

 

Images -4-7:

The marigolds were amazing this year. Even with the stems half-gone, the flowers were still cheerful! I trimmed them to the bases, then pulled them out. What a root system! I also cleaned and recycled the bottles I was using for drainage. As I mentioned before, I don’t plan to use that system again. It worked just fine, it just seemed redundant.

 

Happy Harvest! 🙂

 

An Autumn Stroll

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The past couple of weeks have mostly been about putting away the garden (yes, finally), visiting friends, and celebrating the beauty of the season. I have taken pictures of all of these things, but the fall colors were beckoning and it’s a show that has a very limited release… so, this is what I was doing rather than writing. I’m sure you understand. See you next week! 🙂