An update, more or less

Money is on my mind a lot lately. I don’t really have much of it, but for the past few months- since I’ve been “better”, I’ve been looking into what the rest of the world does.

I say this only half-joking, because, honestly, parts of my life have been so absurd that I actually do need to research normalcy sometimes to calibrate my expectations. Case in point- how much you make compared to how much you actually get.

I’m no expert, and it does not come naturally to me, so I’m basically studying it like I would any other subject, in controlled bites that I choose myself. I feel like I’m gaining an understanding, which is nice. I will never be that girl for whom this is all intuitive, but I’m a decent learner.

 

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Can’t sleep…

… so, here’s a post of some random updates.

*My nails have grown strong again and I love them. Stopping the soda helped.

*I feel like my body is changing shape again. No, I’m not some sort of alien… I just mean the ratio of muscle to fat (or something like that). I’ve been working on eating healthier lately.

*Girlfriend’s birthday is coming up, and I am looking forward to seeing her. We had plans last weekend, but I cancelled because the weather was poor. I feel like I let down my rainbow sisters and brothers b/c we were actually going to go to a random pride thing for the first time in forever. Oops.

*I’m tired often. It’s not illness fatigue like I talked about a few months ago. No, this is omg, I miss sleep. It is a privilege to be able to complain about this. And being harassed on a near-daily basis during my commute. And sometimes not having a seat on public transport. And some nasty lady gave me shit for changing in the curtained changing area at the gym. What? Really? Yes, really.

*Although my style is easily summarized as femme but not full-on lipstick, hair done, wearing heels femme, I have been wearing my now-shorter hair up & bought guys workout shirts because the women’s didn’t fit. Also, you know, weight gain means superboobs, and those really aren’t for show. I don’t mind looking cute, but guys at the gym can be weird sometimes. They posture. I ignore.

*But, I’ve noticed, when I do little changes- deliberately not falling within expectations, I am treated differently. So, there’s that. I don’t wear heels firstly because I don’t like them, and secondly, because I couldn’t even if I wanted to! I wear my hair up & not fluffy because sometimes I don’t feel fluffy.

 

 

 

Embracing Imperfection

Today I went shopping for clothes. I haven’t been clothes shopping in, um 5 years, maybe? I don’t even know. The last time I went shopping, I was a different size. I am not happy about the weight gain, but clothes must be worn, so clothes had to be purchased.

Long ago, I read an article that addressed this problem. It said, basically, don’t dishonor yourself by either wearing stuff that’s way too small, or buy clothes that you don’t like because you are mad you gained weight. Just be with it, in the moment.

My personal opinion is that there is always someone who can use them. Whether it’s a relative, a close friend, or a stranger, there will always be someone else you can help out by passing them on when you’re done. So yeah, basically, just buy the damn clothes, assuming you have the means to do so.

But, that’s not entirely my point…

Imperfection.

I’ve mentioned before that it’s not one one of my strengths. My family still expects a lot from me, despite my having been through hell. And I know that I can be hard on myself, too. Nature? nurture?- probably a little of both, I guess. Just know that it’s a struggle.

Before all the craziness, I would occasionally deposit myself into a mall or some such and get clothes when needed. It was something I always enjoyed doing, but obviously, was the first thing to go.

The thing is, I used to just sort of wander around… meander and really take in the whole experience for what it’s worth. This time, yes, of course, naturally, I was grateful- both to be physically and financially able to enjoy such a luxury. It’s not lost on me. It was just…harder. And, this frustrates me. I try to rejoin the land of the living, and I’m still struggling very much with simply walking. It hurts the pride while simultaneously making you proud that you are doing it.

So… imperfection. I’m trying, I really am…

Update

Start your day of strong… #janeway #voyager #coffee #startrek #borg #scifi #sciencefiction #geek #nerd #coffeebeans #energy #coffeetime

A post shared by The Science Fiction Museum (@hollywoodscifimuseum) on

Yeah, I barely worked out this week. I went to one yoga class, which was a total bust. There’s nothing that can de-motivate a person like attending a class that’s supposed to be low-level, only to have the instructors be pushing it much harder than advertised. I can barely walk sometimes. I just want to get my stretch on. So, I don’t know about group exercise so far. Right now, it’s not working for me.

I also angered my injury the other day in a not-good way, and have been in pain ever since. I can feel it’s just angry- it’s not epically re-injured or anything… but yeah. And yes, I know to take it easy… was just in one of those can’t-win situations and whoop, there it is…

I’ve been re-watching GLOW and honestly, at this point, I’m pretty deep into it. I hope next season is just as good. There’s really nothing like it.

Despite being in pain, I am wavering on whether or not I want to go out today to get a few things done. Resting may win out.

I saw an old-ish interview with zelda williams, and man, she is a badass. She sounds like a person who has her shit together.

Oh, I’ve also watched interviews with many of the GLOW actresses, and the ones I saw seemed really intelligent. Though, there was this one interview I didn’t like as much because the interviewers took it in a kind of vapid direction.

I am not ready for fall. No, no, I don’t wanna, in the style of lego batman. I woke up from a sound sleep shivering. Not. Ready.

I bought some terrible coffee grounds the other day. So awful. I actually checked to see if they’d take them back. They did. Thanks, nice coffee-purveyors!

Hoping to be able to move in a few months or so, but even thinking about it is very stressful. I’ve been researching that and Other Things I Would Do If I Had Money. Even in the hypothetical, it’s kind of more stressful than fun to me. Why are cellphones so damn expensive? Why do they make them to only last a few years, when we are still basically in a recession? Blah. I mean, I’m not naive, I know these people aren’t in the business of charity… but it would look nice for their public images to have something accessible. Then again, they haven’t asked me…

Why do people not write you back when you ask them shit? Whatever. Just makes me not buy your thing. (In this case it was an apartment- which I’m not ready for yet, (just researching), but I was still put-off by people just ignoring my emails!). Oh look, I could’ve used the right kind of brackets. Oh well.

I’ve been getting coffee out now and then, which Girlfriend has given me shit for. In her defense, and if she’s reading this (she doesn’t usually), I do know she means well. But it just didn’t sit right. I mean, I’ve been so broke for so long… Coffee is a small treat.

I might make some waffles this morning. I still have some leftover mixes from that time I temped at a kitchen store. It’s so crazy for me to think of that now, compared to what I’m striving for. But, stuff like that keeps you humble and helped me a little with bills for as long as it lasted. May as well see if the mix is still good.

____

Later…

Well, I’m out of that mix, but I found blueberry flapjack mix. I worked on teaching myself the whole pancake/flapjack making thing. The first one was lost to the pancake gods, the others were different experiments, but all good. Mostly, I’m just trying to find the right balance of heat.

Now, I have to decide if I want to get some pumpkin spice flavored waffle mix or not.

 

 

Update

I developed a UTI because of course I did /sarcasm/… I’ve been in touch w/the doctor & will go have it checked out. Usually, I can just take stuff & it goes away, but this one is particularly nasty.

Through some strange work of the world, I am travelling the same digs as my (long-ago) ex-girlfriend, and it’s super weird. Thankfully, we never travelled those digs together, but her shadow looms large. She was so different when we went out… now I see who she projects to the world and it just makes me angry in that “good for your success, but you didn’t have to step over me to get there…” way. It was a long time ago, I should just release that, but I’m only human.

Speaking of being human, my body was not really on-board with much this week. I skipped the gym most of the week. I went to a yoga class, which honestly kinda sucked, but I was trying to give it my all. It turned out I liked the fill-in teacher better. This one was acting like I was slowing down the class & was trying to redirect me to other classes. Such a pain because I’ve actually studied Hatha pretty extensively, so if I’m doing a modification, it’s bleeping intentional, lady! Yeah, yoga’s not supposed to make you angry, so there’s that…

…and because of the UTI and just feeling super run-down and awful, I skipped the do-it-yourself PT and the strength training. I might go over the weekend if I feel better. Haven’t decided yet.

More or less, my mind races at full speed while my body goes at its own slow pace. Sometimes I look like I’m mad at the world, but really, I’m just in pain so much of the time, it’s not great.

Inside, though, most of the time, I’m content, even happy.I just think maybe I tried to take on too much too soon, but for now, I’m just trying to get through it. Maybe I’ll feel better about things once I’m physically feeling better.

 

 

Update

I don’t even know where to start…

I joined a gym.

I started a temp gig.

I have an insane commute that I wholly under-estimated. But, I need the money & I like it, so there’s that.

I took a little vacation with Girlfriend.

____________________________________

Put all of this together, and yes, I wholly over-estimated my abilities. Pain is a thing… nearly all of the time. Just from existing, before I even get to the gym.

When I go to the gym, I am kind to myself. It’s actually a re-charge from the physical toughness of the day.

Don’t get me wrong, I am in love with working, and the people, and the stuff I’m doing (which I won’t talk about here/ it’s considered bad form, sorry!). It is just very, very hard, and if I didn’t like just being part of the world again so much, I would not be putting myself through this.

I go home and my body is swollen, and I sleep with parts propped up on pillows, sometimes my whole body, sometimes I sleep nearly seated- like I was in the hospital bed. I take NSAIDs according to their directions. I am kind to myself. But yes, it hurts.

GF says that it will get easier with time. I want to believe her. I kind of need to, for my own piece of mind.

But I am good inside. I feel happy. I feel alive again. It’s been a long time…

 

Talking Temping

This is me. Which one? I dunno- mostly the two on the ends, respectively. Dolly Parton was and is beautiful, but as far as I know, I’ve never been in a position where my boss had the hots for me. Currently, I’m the one returning to work, but I’ve also been the seasoned matron.

Today, I talked to a temp recruiter, and boy, was it ever de-humanizing! “Name your rate of pay”, (as they name a rate 4 dollars less than what you’d previously discussed), and on and on, until finally, I settle on something 2 dollars less than what I need, which I probably won’t say yes to, but it was just so awful. Bear in mind, this was the “Should we call you?” rate, not anything definite, but it still felt swarmy… that, and wanting to contact me by any means at all, at any time. What? Huh? You can try, but sometimes I might be bathing, or in the bathroom, or eating, or sleeping, you know.

So, frustration. But, things have been coming to a head in my personal life, to the point where even de-humanizing temp experiences are at least worth considering. I just hope someone calls me from something permanent first.

Update

 

I tripped over 3 things in the past 2 weeks, and consequently, did not keep up with my PT. Was it justified? I don’t know. I know the first time, it was pretty bad, and I felt like it really needed to rest. The other two were just precautionary, and then I think I got lazy. It happens.

My mental state isn’t that great right now. I’m bummed because Stressor is stressing me out, and because I got a few rejections in my Inbox. Nothing says lovin’ like, “You’re awesome, but pass.” Granted, no one said exactly that… but still…

I am dieting… Am I dieting? I don’t know. All I know is that I decided to document my calorie intake, and after only two days of doing this, I’m already trying to lower it. I am also trying to break my newly-acquired soda habit. I had one today instead of two. I also had a sandwich with it, and that nearly doubled my calorie intake for the day, but I had to do something, I was feeling so blah.

Am I depressed? I don’t think so. It’s more like external pressures are pressuring me, and I’m just trying to stay afloat.

Give Me Strength.

We have a right to be angry…

Stressor continues to greet me as though I am the largest piece of shit in the world. It makes it difficult to keep a solid day of believing in myself. I can’t avoid this person (well, any more than I have been), so mostly I’m just venting here for venting’s sake, and maybe a little reassurance.

An old friend of mine wrote to ask my opinion on something. On the one hand, it was overwhelming- because she was asking for a considered opinion, not a one-word answer. On the other, it was validating that she sees me as someone whose opinions are sought after.

The job hunt has not been going well in terms of seeing fruit for my labor. I have been vigilant and thorough in presenting myself in my best possible light, but so far, nothing. As we discussed in my last blog, I needed to step away and maybe find some balance. It. Is. Not. Easy. I’ll tell you that much. With me stressing myself out, bystanders asking how things are going, and Stressor breathing down my neck…

So, I have taken some time to do some “me stuff”. I got a haircut, teeth cleaned, etc. I spent today cleaning set-in stains off of my pillow and mattress cover- stains that happened during the medical stuff, and that really just bummed me out colossally thereafter.

I also did some cleaning up in the craft room. Again, I found some stuff from Xmas. I’m not really surprised. Things were much harder than… I went back and read my posts from the last two years. It shocked me. And validated me.

Girlfriend has been lovely, but she also wants me to be able to stand on my own two feet. At least she’s usually kinder about it though.

I also trimmed and polished my toenails, and I’m loving them. I did my fingernails, too, but the polish has since worn off.

My ankle continues to improve, but I keep tripping up on various things, which has made recovery from the break harder.

In the quiet, in the dark

…I sit writing, in Girlfriend’s bed that I helped pick out. She’s not here right now. I am drinking from her pretty blender bottle, enjoying her protein powder that tastes like a creamscicle. I prefer the one that tastes like fudge, and she knows this, but wanted me to give this one a try. It is good, but a little too acidic for my taste in the morning. This matters because my body is still complicated.

I have what I call “fuzzy tongue”, and I need to tell her this if we decide to swashbuckle tongues later on. But right now, in the quiet, alone time, mostly I am feeling it in my throat and lungs, and I know I will have to address it when I return home.

The pressure people are still pressuring me, as though I don’t give a shit and I sit around and eat bon-bons all day. I came to GF’s with my shoulders embedded into my ear canals, my back muscles tense, my ankle recently twisted while not yet fully recovered. I made what is kind of a sacrifice to the greater good, lending someone something that is worth money that I desperately need. I wanted a thank you. I didn’t get it. Instead, I got yelled at for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. Something that typically happens when I am home.

I have had a few beers; one a day, really, and I have taken hot baths each day, and slowly my muscles are easing. I drink coffee, I eat well… yet, I have not resumed the application process. Lest you think I’m a slacker, I had been at it all day, every day since I’ve been back. I needed some time away. I guess I should really do some today.