The Week in Review

This week was strangely exhausting. The weather’s been all over the place… From bitterly cold to unseasonably warm in a heartbeat… it was hard waking up this week. I was tired a lot. I mostly ate well, but then had soda & a meatball sandwich today.

Yeah, I’m not a vegetarian when I eat out anymore, and it’s fine if you feel you must unfollow me for that. Maybe another day, I will have more to say, but the TL;DR is that being unbearably sick led to it being pretty unsustainable for me.

I’ve made good & bad lunch choices within this framework. This week was 2 cheese sandwiches, 2 chicken w/veggy things, and the meatball thing. My lunch goal, really, is to watch the dumb moves I make when I stress out & to start packing more lunches.

I’ve always loved my carbs, & have to watch the soda & carbtastic dinner choices.

My weight’s the same, because I haven’t done anything other than going back to work & the movement that entails.

My body shape is still strange to me, the massive weight gain still bothers me. But things like sleep and getting back to living have taken precedence.

 

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Update

It’s been bitterly cold- not great weather for doing much of anything, really, but I’ve been kind of burnt-out on watching movies and browsing the internet, so, I cleaned.

There’s something about being… not shut in, but not particularly interested in braving extreme cold… that made it extra satisfying. Clothes got re-organized, dressers cleared off, drawers were gone through, laundry got laundered… all in all, it was a pretty respectable session.

I’m slowly reverting to my original form. Who am I when I’m not in crisis? I’m finding out. I barely remember, but my body seems to have this physical memory, and suddenly mid-task, I remember how much I enjoyed certain things- girly things, mostly. But those were among the first things to go.

I’ve been thinking about fitness. I stopped going to the gym during the hub-bub of the holidays, and then, brr… no thanks! But, I’m now thinking about it again. I’m also interested in working on my body again.

Girlfriend has been on a regimented diet for the past couple of months, and has lost a lot of weight doing so. She got me some probiotic + energy supplements to try, which I’m doing, but since it’s only been a day, I don’t have too much to say about it.

I’ve used protein powders in the past, and don’t mind going back to that, but my big problem with those is that they constipate me terribly. (*The More You Know*) I looked it up & it turns out this is pretty common. In order to not have it be an issue, I’d have to do yet another thing, (like eat prunes), in addition to the protein… and that’s a whole lot of nevermind, sometimes.

 

Life goes on…

Happy Holidays! I don’t know about you, but I was very busy in the weeks preceding Xmas. “Busy, busy, busy…” So, here’s what’s been up…

The holidays have been great… I just haven’t seen everyone, so I feel like they’re not really over yet. I’ve enjoyed resting.

I’m trying to make the switch to otc for the last med. I realllllly wanted to be med-free sooner rather than later, but this reflux thing is no joke. It’s fine when it’s under control, but it has let me know, in no uncertain terms, that I can only use a certain type of treatment for it.

I’ve mentioned before that I’ve gained a lot of weight. So, what I’ve been doing (aside from holiday-ing) is moving things around so that I can access anything in my current size. I didn’t have much. I’m not usually this big. I ended up needing to go shopping again, and I still need to go shopping… again. Shopping for my lower half is a nightmare. I like looking good, I love feeling better, but it’s just really annoying having to do all this several sizes up from my usual.

But, it is what it is right now. Part of it was/is my diet, which has not been ideal. Part of it is the result of all of this work done that has enabled me to resume life. So, that aspect of it is joyful. I mean, I’m doing it! I’m living! So when I complain, really, it’s just more about the day-to-day aspects of it. All in all, things are looking up, and if I get overwhelmed, I’m only human.

Because it’s been ages since I’ve done one of these…

These types of survey-things used to be all over the internet. They used to make the rounds even so late as the early stages of this blog. I found this one on a blog, who found it on a friend’s blog, who…

So, sure, why not? I’m gonna party like it’s 2012 and fill one of these babies out!

“So, what am I doing these days?”

Making: Money, I guess? Not much, but it’s appreciated.

Cooking: Not a whole heck of a lot these days. Mostly I’ve been heating things up in the microwave.

Drinking: Too much soda, some coffee, and the occasional beer.

Wanting: More for myself than seems possible at the moment.

Reading: Articles and a book on money management.

Playing: Nintendo now and then

Deciding: Too many things

Wishing: For a better life

Enjoying: Doing nothing this weekend

Waiting: Always

Wondering: About my future

Loving: Fuzzy socks

Pondering: My future

Buying: The occasional coffee or lunch. I’ve been pretty miserly lately.

Watching: A movie I got on sale at the store the other day, so I guess that counts.

Hoping: Indeed, I am…

Marveling: At the beautiful morning sky.

Cringing: When bad things happen.

Needing: To start my life back up again.

Questioning: Why I chose to fill out such a long survey.

Smelling: There is a terrible smell in another room that I can’t identify or find the source of, and it’s driving me crazy. But at the moment, I’m tired of trying to figure it out.

Wearing: My pjs because it’s the weekend and I don’t have to try to figure out clothing- yay! 🙂

Following: Several blogs on here for entertainment mostly

Knowing: So much seems uncertain right now.

Thinking: I’m always thinking about something. Also, yes, that I liked reading this way more than I’m liking working on it.

Admiring: My Fall decorations.

Sorting: I was sorting my socks a few minutes ago.

Getting: Bored with this, to be honest.

Bookmarking: Nothing of particular interest.

Coveting: I deeply covet some people’s ability to live without struggle

Disliking: Idk

Opening: I just opened a bandaid wrapper to get the bandaid out.

Giggling: I still burst into giggles far out of reach of jokes/stories I’m told, as an after-effect of having been cooped up so long. People have looked at me and even said, “It’s not that funny.”

Feeling: Mostly, I’m fine, but I still occasionally feel out of sorts. Unless you’ve been there, it’s hard to understand what I’m feeling right now, and sometimes I still have the occasional moment of not adjusting just so.

Snacking: Yes, I’m snacking. I’d like to say I’m not, but every once in a while, I will grab the occasional donut.

Hearing: Nothing really at the moment.

Update

I’m starting to speed walk again. Not as sport- as life. That was my default setting. I feel good having that speed back again. I missed it so much and never thought it was coming back.

I’m now going down stairs the right way. Finally. It took so long to get this back. It’s not perfect yet, but pretty darn close. I still wear the sport brace most of the time. Should I be? I don’t know. When I wear it, going down the stairs is much easier. When I don’t, it’s far more difficult. But the difficulty may lie in the stiffness. (Don’t go by me if you’re in this position, but rather, ask your doctor).

In terms of stiffness, I still need to check out my PT to sort of see where I’m at in comparison to where I was.

I’m walking tons but not working out much.

I’m not losing any weight. I tried eating less, but by the end of the week, I was very hungry, and consequently, ate too much & wiped away the progress I’d made.

So, I’ve been beating myself up over that, but I’m wondering if maybe it’s time to just let the weight chill for a while, and instead re-focus on my health, good food, and regaining strength and vitality.

 

Memory

It’s that time again…

 

Last week was not great for me. I skipped the gym altogether and ate terribly. Some weeks are like that. I’ve been stressed. My poor body has been complaining that I’ve been pushing it, and lately I have stiffness.

I still sometimes wonder if the laparoscopic surgery was the right decision. I do question that one because it was a rushed decision, and normally I take my time and am very thoughtful about my choices. But, when something shows up, and they don’t know what it is… it’s a frightening prospect.

It turned out to be non-life-threating (in that moment), but we could not have known that until afterwards. Still, it did not relieve the constipation or the pain, and caused problems for me just trying to live my life. I ended up basically getting fired over it. Other than losing my income, I then had to deal with recovery, and by then, most of my friends and family were well into caregiver the burnout phase.

What I suspect happened was something the medical professionals did prior. Yes, common practice is to yank out drain tubes. But, did anyone stop to consider the endo all over the place in there? That’s what I think happened- something got torn- whether it was endo or not. It’s not something I intend to pursue, but every one in a while, it reminds me of what I was doing last year at this time.

I’ve been taking measures to just get back into life, and with that comes, naturally, exposure to more people with their own agendas and whatnot. On a good day, I roll my eyes, but on a bad one, I cry at night over things I can’t control.

On these days of exasperation, I try to get back to the simple things in life, and it helps.

 

Sharing is Caring

Why have I filed this under multiple categories? Because it permeates every thing we do, everything we have done. Most women have experienced it. These are US statistics. It’s more than just the entertainment industry. 

#Metoo gives voice to survivors. Time or money towards women’s organizations also helps. There is no right way- only your own way through it. Take care of you. I focus on women because I am a woman.

An update, more or less

Money is on my mind a lot lately. I don’t really have much of it, but for the past few months- since I’ve been “better”, I’ve been looking into what the rest of the world does.

I say this only half-joking, because, honestly, parts of my life have been so absurd that I actually do need to research normalcy sometimes to calibrate my expectations. Case in point- how much you make compared to how much you actually get.

I’m no expert, and it does not come naturally to me, so I’m basically studying it like I would any other subject, in controlled bites that I choose myself. I feel like I’m gaining an understanding, which is nice. I will never be that girl for whom this is all intuitive, but I’m a decent learner.

 

Can’t sleep…

… so, here’s a post of some random updates.

*My nails have grown strong again and I love them. Stopping the soda helped.

*I feel like my body is changing shape again. No, I’m not some sort of alien… I just mean the ratio of muscle to fat (or something like that). I’ve been working on eating healthier lately.

*Girlfriend’s birthday is coming up, and I am looking forward to seeing her. We had plans last weekend, but I cancelled because the weather was poor. I feel like I let down my rainbow sisters and brothers b/c we were actually going to go to a random pride thing for the first time in forever. Oops.

*I’m tired often. It’s not illness fatigue like I talked about a few months ago. No, this is omg, I miss sleep. It is a privilege to be able to complain about this. And being harassed on a near-daily basis during my commute. And sometimes not having a seat on public transport. And some nasty lady gave me shit for changing in the curtained changing area at the gym. What? Really? Yes, really.

*Although my style is easily summarized as femme but not full-on lipstick, hair done, wearing heels femme, I have been wearing my now-shorter hair up & bought guys workout shirts because the women’s didn’t fit. Also, you know, weight gain means superboobs, and those really aren’t for show. I don’t mind looking cute, but guys at the gym can be weird sometimes. They posture. I ignore.

*But, I’ve noticed, when I do little changes- deliberately not falling within expectations, I am treated differently. So, there’s that. I don’t wear heels firstly because I don’t like them, and secondly, because I couldn’t even if I wanted to! I wear my hair up & not fluffy because sometimes I don’t feel fluffy.