Learning to walk again

…both metaphorically and literally.

I’ve been out of work since the abdominal drama a while back, and it’s made me think hard about what I want out of life and how I got turned around. Mostly this is an internal dialogue, but I just put this in for those who know what I am talking about.

I had prospects, great prospects, and I took a few off ramps, mostly for other people. My family gives me shit for not coming through, but mostly it was for them. I missed a lot, the world changed, I missed them. Now, it’s a thousand years later, and I’m being cryptic on wordpress because I can’t talk to them about it. Excuses, they’d say. Or so it goes in my head.

Perfectionism is something I inherited, and I often feel like I’m never doing enough. And now I feel like my friends and family are passing me by, while I stand wondering what happened.

Most people outside the situation give me reassurance in the form of, “Hello, you just went through a series of surgeries, which are major life events”. And part of my answers that, and part of me doesn’t hear it, or can’t hear it. So, I’m the black sheep, the disappointment… and when I try to paint my wool, you can see right through it.

 

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2 thoughts on “Learning to walk again

  1. At risk of being redundant, HELLO you went through some major stuff, of course, you can’t keep up with everything else at the same time! Sadly in our society, unless you are lucky enough to have a job you can go back to easily can have a huge impact on our life and your ambitions. I guess what matters now is how you react to it and move forward. And I’m sure those close to you have more compassion than you think and maybe judge you less harshly than you think?

    • (((Hugs))) Thanks, I think I needed to hear this (again). It’s worth repeating, and kind of you to do so. I appreciate your kind words- of course, it isn’t everyone in my life, but when it comes from those close to you, it hurts more, particularly when you aren’t at 100% to start.

      But yes, focusing on the forward momentum is so useful, I agree. I’ve been thinking again about my interest in working out, which is, of course, just one small piece. But, it’s one that makes me feel happy and strong again. I can’t say enough how much I appreciate your reality checks. Thank you, thank you, thank you! 🙂

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