Surgery & Mother’s Day

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Would I like this or hate this? Will I ever know?

I officially can no longer bear children. Unofficially, it must’ve been longer, but the difference is, I didn’t know it.

So, what’s worse, going to what would’ve been considerable lengths to try to get pregnant, only to find out that I physically could not, or finding out after not having had the ability to try?

You see, I haven’t had the means to raise a child. There is also no sperm in my love life. Between the two, I’d filed away having a kid as something I’d like to do later, once I could afford to. Make no mistake, if there’s no sperm in your equation, just having a kid is expensive, never mind actually carrying the child to term and then raising it.

…Something which I will never do. Something I am still slowly untangling in my mind.

My insides were so ridiculously messed up beyond repair that they couldn’t even go in laparoscopically. Obviously, under such conditions, there was nothing that I could even think about saving.

I am grateful to be alive and doing very well, considering. But, having a baby with any of my parts is not my reality. My girlfriend’s parts can’t have one, either, and although she jokes about me finding the human equivalent of a race car and “trading her in”, the truth is, I’ve gotten quite attached. Truthfully, though, she doesn’t want a child, but would have supported and loved any child I would’ve bore.

So how do you mourn the loss of something that never was? I have many mixed feelings, and I know that adoption could be a route once I turn things around for myself. It’s not the same, but I console myself with the reality that at least for now, I can and need to focus on myself.

Much love 🙂

 

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9 thoughts on “Surgery & Mother’s Day

  1. Oh dear, I’ve been there, mourning a might-have-been. First you cry, then blame, then lash out. Repeat as often as necessary until, like your post-surgery body, your heart begins to heal…which it will. But you’re right, for the moment, focus on yourself. Please keep telling us of your progress.

    • Thank you so much for this! As a “food blogger”, it’s been hard to step outside of my genre, but some things just need to be said before I can move on. (((Hugs)))

  2. I’m so sorry to hear that. As you know it’s something I know a little about, even though for me it’s still an ongoing battle. Give yourself permission to feel any emotions that come your way and time to come to terms with it.
    It really sucks

    • Yes, I know how hard things have been for you on this front. It’s hard, for sure. I kind of liked it better when we were trading vents without knowing the cause of each of our issues. Thanks for understanding! 🙂

      • My first thought was your partner could help but I guess it’s not in the cards either… I guess you can never tell what life has in store for us but I’m sorry you have to go through all that stuff

    • Thanks so much for stopping by! I’m finding that although many women have had similar versions of the surgery, each has her own story behind it. Thanks for sharing yours!

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