Would I like this or hate this? Will I ever know?
I officially can no longer bear children. Unofficially, it must’ve been longer, but the difference is, I didn’t know it.
So, what’s worse, going to what would’ve been considerable lengths to try to get pregnant, only to find out that I physically could not, or finding out after not having had the ability to try?
You see, I haven’t had the means to raise a child. There is also no sperm in my love life. Between the two, I’d filed away having a kid as something I’d like to do later, once I could afford to. Make no mistake, if there’s no sperm in your equation, just having a kid is expensive, never mind actually carrying the child to term and then raising it.
…Something which I will never do. Something I am still slowly untangling in my mind.
My insides were so ridiculously messed up beyond repair that they couldn’t even go in laparoscopically. Obviously, under such conditions, there was nothing that I could even think about saving.
I am grateful to be alive and doing very well, considering. But, having a baby with any of my parts is not my reality. My girlfriend’s parts can’t have one, either, and although she jokes about me finding the human equivalent of a race car and “trading her in”, the truth is, I’ve gotten quite attached. Truthfully, though, she doesn’t want a child, but would have supported and loved any child I would’ve bore.
So how do you mourn the loss of something that never was? I have many mixed feelings, and I know that adoption could be a route once I turn things around for myself. It’s not the same, but I console myself with the reality that at least for now, I can and need to focus on myself.
Much love 🙂